Saisissant La Vie
by swallowedminds
Summary: For CastleFanficMonday! A Castle Summer Hiatus 2015 Ficathon Entry. Beckett decides to have a baby and is looking for a donor. Castle ends up switching the donors "seed" for his own and doesn't tell Beckett. AU.
1. Prologue

**Warning: Character Death**

 **Disclaimer: I do not Castle, it's characters, or the movie this fic is based off.**

 **A/N: See end for notes**

* * *

She doesn't know why she's thinking about movies at a time like this. A sunny day, loveable character, living in their perfect world with nothing to fear. But it's one of those moments in tragic dramas where the main character gets bad news and the music overlaps the dialogue. And all you get is the broken expression on their face and then a montage of the character's life through their tragedy.

This is how Beckett wishes she could feel right now. Like she's in a movie and that everything will work out in the end. She want to feel soundless, because her ears are bleeding, thumping, and pulsing with the fragmented beat of her heart; life isn't that kind. Instead she hears it all. The loud, piercing sounds of the world, words that crush her form into a tiny shell, breaking her back, compressing her insides. She's falling through the open cracks of the ground and no one sees, no one's here to save her. Everyone is too busy with the sounds of their own, they hear but they're not _listening_.

Someone hear her screams.

Someone save her.

"What?" she asks, her breathing sharp, face contorted at the conundrum before her; she's stock-still and her expression frozen to display her confusion. She doesn't understand how this could happen.

And her father, her father stares with heartbroken, guilty eyes. He can't say those words again. She doesn't want to hear it.

"When?" she whispers, surprise, exasperation, disbelief all in one word, one breath. "Why?"

This can't be happening. He's her everything. He's what's left of her cracked foundation. And without him, what is she? Nothing. Nothing but a pile of rubble to be stepped on, swept up and thrown away. He's her back bone, her rock, her saving grace, the reason she continues to fight this fight!

He can't leave her. Her heart can't take it. No.

Her mind is whirling, blood pumping too quickly, making her head spin. She can't keep up, she's lagging.

 _Cancer, cancer, cancer._

It's on repeat. Every time it comes around it's makes her ears bleed. She imagines his blood turning black, thickening, and turning ice cold. His eyes losing life, his skin as grey as lead. She couldn't live with him like that, it can't be happening.

Beckett takes her father's hand, imagines it weak, unable to grip her back and then she's sobbing. Green eyes turning dark brown from grief, the pain as bad as a knife to the gut. Killing her the same way her mother went. And now her father. Dear God, why? Why is this happening?

Hot tears race down her cheeks, large droplets of desolation raining down from her eyes. Her stomach stirs, the muscles clench, jerking as if they're trying to free themselves. She feels it, the hot liquid bubbling, getting thicker, and building up, up, up until it comes splashing out her mouth onto the table in front of her.

It leaves her feeling empty, left alone with her unsettled mind, and shattered heart. She wants to curl up in a dark room, close herself off from all the words. But she can't un-hear the poisonous words he said to her.

 _Cancer, cancer, cancer._

 _Brain._

It's eating both of them whole. And all she can do is watch.

She looks into her father's eyes and finds her own reflected back at her.

* * *

Later, they're sitting in her apartment, curled up together on the couch holding each other up. The realization keeps hitting her, like a baseball bat to the back of her skull that her father is dying. Something is attacking his brain, and no matter how many reassurances he gives her _they caught it early, I feel fine, we've already started treatment_ it doesn't stop the tears from starting again.

"What can I do?" She asks, feeling helpless, defenseless, and naked.

He scratches his head and averts his eyes from her piercing gaze.

"What is it? Tell me, Dad."

"It's just that," he sighs, body deflating with it. "I thought that I would have grandkids before I- I died."

Beckett buries her face into the couch cushion to muffle the sound of her sobs. "I'm so sorry, Dad! I should've known-"

"No, no Katie. It's okay. You're focused on your career I know that and there's nothing wrong with that."

"But still I-"

"Katie, please don't make me feel bad for this. I know how important your job is and how important finding your mother's killer is to you. I could never ask you to give that up for me."

"You don't have to ask."

Jim sighs and reaches out to tug his daughter into his arms.

"I'm 29, Dad. Most people have families by now. I can't believe I've been so selfish," she cries, burying her face in his neck.

"We're gonna be okay, Katie. We just have to keep faith."

She grips his shirt in her fist, holding tightly to him. "It's not fair. It's so not fair I can't lose you too."

"You haven't lost me. And you won't as long as I'm here. This is not the end. The doctor said my chances of survival are greater than not. This is not the end, I will be here for a long, long time."

"You better," she mumbles, too broken inside to speak anymore.

* * *

 _A/N: Thank you all for taking the time to read my story! This year I've decided to participate in the Castle Summer Ficathon as a way to challenge myself to complete a AU multichapter story. I got this idea from a tumblr prompt challenge (if you wanna call it that) called the romcom AU. I decided to do a movie called The Switch. And while the idea and other things may stem from the movie, several things have been changed to fit these characters we all love so much._

 _I hope you all enjoy it, should you decide to spend the summer with me :)_


	2. She wants to have a what?

_**Thank you Cathey, without you this would still be a draft in my computer:) Thank you for coming on this journey with me and keeping me in the right direction. I am so grateful to have become your friend and thankful for all the work you put into this story too.**_

* * *

 _"_ _Look at us. Running around, always rushed, always late. I guess that's why they call it the human race. What we crave most in this world is connection and for some people it happens at first sight. It's when you know you know. Its fate working it's magic. And it's great for them. They get to live in a pop song; ride the express train. But that's not the way it really works. For the rest of us it's a bit less romantic. It's complicated and it's messy. It's about horrible timing and fumbled opportunities. And not being able to say what you need to say, when you need to say it."_

 _\- Opening Lines of The Switch_

* * *

 **Four Months Later**

He wakes slowly, the sound of her cries piercing through his deep slumber, and he sighs. His heart hurts for his little girl. It's the third night in a row Alexis has woken up screeching, but she's been at it off and on for months. It's a high pitch sound he's never heard from her or any baby before. He's taken her to the doctor, thinking maybe something internal was causing her such anguish, but they found nothing wrong. She's in perfect health.

Castle stretches his body out, his back cracking, and kicks the blankets off his body. Once he's up, he's up; Alexis makes sure of that.

While checking the time on his phone he notices he has two missed calls from none other than Kate Beckett. Ever since his mother convinced him to track her down and apologize for being an arrogant, selfish, jackass, they've been working together again. He's still on thin ice, but he's been able to make her smile and roll her eyes like he used to.

She must've caught a case around ten last night, but he was already in bed; he'd been playing with Alexis just before then, hoping the fun would wear her out enough to sleep through the night. It backfired of course.

He rubs his palms over his eyes, trying to wipe exhaustion from his demeanor. Alexis is still screeching, but now that she sees he's awake he can hear her calming down. Her cries turn to guttural groans of displeasure. Sometimes he thinks she's been having nightmares, but a strong part of him hopes her distress isn't about Meredith. Is she screaming out for her mother? Because Meredith isn't coming back. After the divorce he was given custody of their beautiful angel, and his ex-wife started booking jobs and left for L.A. That was about six months ago, and she hasn't called to check in once.

Picking up his daughter from her "big girl" bed on the other side of the room, he can feel her tremors wracking through her body still. A ten month old should not be breathing as ragged as she is now. His mother tells him not to worry because he'd been through his own period of restlessness when he was a baby. He turned out fine and it stopped after a few weeks.

"Hey, pumpkin. What's wrong, huh? Is Grams cooking? I know, I wanna cry just thinking about it."

Rocking Alexis in his arms, Castle makes his way out of his bedroom and into the kitchen where his mother is sorting through the mail.

"Good morning, darling. How's she?" she asks, opening a large manila envelope addressed to her.

"It didn't last as long, I think. Maybe she's getting better."

"We can only hope for the best. Give her to me," the woman demands, hands flaring out to hold her granddaughter. "Make her some hot cereal; that always helps. Oh! And Detective Beckett left a voice mail on the answering machine for you. She said to call right away; it's regarding the Nikki Heat books."

"Thank you for listening to my messages, mother. I love it when my privacy is invaded."

"You're welcome, kiddo. That's what I'm here for."

Once she's in her grandmother's arms, Alexis' cries simmer down even more, her tears slowly begin to dry on her tiny red cheeks.

"Are you headed out? The babysitter won't be here for another few hours," Castle explains while stirring hot milk into a bowl. "Beckett called my cell too so I wanna see what's up. I hope she isn't backing out of the arrangement. We were just starting to get back on good terms and I've already started the second book."

"Is that the real reason you don't want her to back out? The books?" Martha raises a brow at her son, but he simply nods. She shakes her head at his naivety; as if she doesn't already know the real reason. "Darling, I can tell when you're lying and now is one of those moments. Just be honest with yourself. You like her. And that's okay, I do too."

"I don't like her like that," he scoffs. "She's stubborn and a little uptight. Not my type."

"Mmhmm. Keep telling yourself that and you'll explode with affection."

Castle guffaws, his mouth wide open and eyes big. Alexis giggles in Martha's arms and the woman joins in too. "You're father's pretty silly huh?" She looks back up at her son and says, "Although you might not want to admit it out loud, your feelings for her are going to split through the cracks of this wall you've built."

"Whatever you say, mother." Castle then directs his attention to his daughter, who looks keen on getting her hands on the food he's prepared. "Come on, Alexis. Open wide. Say ahh." He pushes a spoonful of banana cereal to her and she takes it eagerly, spit falling from the sides of her mouth as she tries to stuff it all in.

"Do you not feed her?"

* * *

Martha watches Alexis while Castle showers and gets dressed, but then heads out for an audition. He knows she's spent six weeks practicing for it. The babysitter arrives about ten minutes after his mother leaves and Castle heads out on his way to the precinct. He calls Beckett while he's in the cab and he's reminded about what his mother said earlier. He doesn't like _like_ her. They come from separate worlds and have completely different interests. There's no way he could like _like_ her. He cares for her well-being and he hopes they can become friends through this arrangement they have, but no romantic feelings.

His breath catches in his throat when she answers his call with _his_ name being the opening line. She sounds relieved to hear from him. It's more _Casssle_ than Ca _stl_ e the way she says it and his heart rate picks up just a little bit more at it.

"Speaking," he greets trying to keep his voice from giving away too much. If she notices she's not letting on.

"Where are you? Can you meet me somewhere?"

"I'm on my way to the precinct, actually. I thought that's where you would be."

"I am. Just a little later. Can we meet? Are you close to Peter's Place? There's something that I need to talk to you about."

"Yeah, the voice mail you left on my home machine said something about the Heat books. Should I be worried? You're not backing out of this are you, 'cause I will be severely disappointed if you are."

There's silence on the other end of the line for a moment and Castle hears her take a deep breath before asking to just meet her there and hanging up. Whatever's wrong, it's serious. Castle isn't sure what he's going to do if it's as bad as his writer's mind is making him believe he's not sure he wants to know. His stomach turns, making him shift uncomfortably in the back seat of the cab. Arriving at the restaurant doesn't help much either. The butterflies intensify their fluttering in his stomach, spinning round and around, mixing his emotions right with it.

Before he even walks inside he hears his name being called from somewhere to the left of him. He turns and spots her sitting at the outside table, her back to him but she's twisted in her seat to see him. Castle hopes it's just his writer's mind, but there's so much desolation in her eyes, anguish. He hates it. He hates seeing her in so much pain without being able to help her. He wants to wrap his arms around her and never let go. There isn't a chance in hell that she'd let him take care of her, he knows that, but the urge grows deep inside of him as he stares into her dark eyes. Her shoulders are hunched; the dark circles under her eyes he noticed a week ago are barely hiding behind the makeup anymore. Even though he's scared about what it could be, he's so worried about her. So hopefully she'll let him in.

He sits opposite her and leans his arms on the table to gaze closely at her face. Beckett's hair is tied back in a messy bun, with many tendrils falling down the sides of her face, blowing subtly in the calm breeze. It's late September and it's just warm enough to still eat outside. Come next week, he has no doubts it'll be below freezing like New York can be.

She's wearing a loose white shirt and light blue jeans, flats instead of the killer heels he always sees her in.

"Good morning," she says, but she might as well have mumbled it. There was no feeling in it, almost as if she felt like she was forced to say it.

"Is it really?" he quirks his brow up, disbelief illuminated on his features.

"Huh?"

"Never mind. So what's going on?"

Beckett sighs, taking a chunk of free hair and pushing it behind her ear. "It's about the Nikki Heat books, Castle."

"You mentioned that. You don't want me to follow you anymore?" Castle leans back in his chair as Beckett leans forward shaking her head and holding her hand out as if pleading with him to understand what she has not yet said.

"No, that's not it, Castle. I told you the other day that I valued what you do at the precinct."

"I don't remember that."

"It was implied. Anyway," she says, her voice booming to talk over whatever protest Castle was going to make. "Something's happened. I've recently gotten some bad news that's causing me to leave New York."

A waitress comes over then to do her cute little introduction of her name and the restaurant; she tells them about the specials and neither Castle nor Beckett have the heart to interrupt her. She looks as if she's been practicing it and they were her first time getting it right. When she's finished, her smile wide and invigorating, Castle orders a cup of coffee with one of the breakfast specials. Beckett, however, orders hot tea with just a banana nut muffin. Castle gives her a look, but she just shrugs as if it's no big deal that Kate Beckett, caffeine extraordinaire isn't drinking coffee at nine in the morning.

"What's the bad news?" he asks, folding his hands neatly on the table in front of him while looking directly into Beckett's eyes. He knew something was up with her the moment he reached out to come back to the precinct. She's been…he doesn't want to say _nicer_ , because that's not it. She's seemed forlorn in a way, or maybe doleful. He definitely senses a hopelessness in her that wasn't always there. It's almost as if she's given up and now life just seems to be a burden. When it comes to his antics, she doesn't care enough or _have the energy to care_ , to tell him to shut up or that his theory is crazy. The thought makes his heart fragile.

"Umm," she sighs, closing her eyes to fight the tears he can hear forming deep in her throat. "My- it's my dad. He has cancer." Kate covers her mouth with her hand as if the words burn her lips, as if it's the first time she's said the words out loud and the realization hits her all over again.

Castle takes a stunned breath, too shell shocked to do anything other than stare at the woman in disbelief. He's never met Beckett's father, only knows what she's told him, but from what he knows the man has been through more than enough trials in his life. Losing his wife, being an alcoholic, becoming a _recovering_ alcoholic, and now cancer. This is not the way he imagined the story ending, he would've written it better for him. For Beckett too. Damn, she's going to lose her father too? And then what? Be all alone in the world? He won't stand for it. She's going to need someone to take care of her, and he doesn't care if she opposes, it'll be him.

"Beckett I- I'm so, so sorry. Oh my God, if there's anything I can do, I'm here. I can't believe it."

"You and me both."

Quiet falls around them for a while and it feels like they're in a bubble where nothing but stillness exists. Around them, the world is moving, growing, but no one can see them. It's just them trapped together with pain between them.

The wind brings a pleasant chill to the atmosphere, and it blows her hair up and around, messing it up to mimic her life, her emotions. He wants to smooth it all away.

The waitress with the million dollar smile comes back with their drinks and orders. Kate's muffin is bigger than what she originally thought it was going to be. Her eyes go wide when their server sets the plate with the giant pastry down in front of her, along with a tiny container of butter. The muffin is about the size of both his fists combined with one Beckett's.

"We had enough batter to make one more for you, but that left a little extra that would've only made a really small one. So I told the baker to just make all of it. If you don't want it I can get you something else. It'll be on me completely," the waitress explains, all while trying to keep smiling. It's clear Beckett was taken by surprise by the muffin, but she doesn't seem angry.

"No! No. It's perfectly fine. There's enough if I get hungry later," she laughs but it sounds forced, not real. He doesn't like the way her laugh sounds when it's not real, when it's not for herself.

Their waitress flashes them that thousand-watt smile and tells them to enjoy their food before walking off to help another table. Castle hears her give the same introduction speech to the elder couple.

"I have the strange feeling that you called me here to tell me more than just about your father."

"Yeah, I did." She sips her tea, makes a face at it before sitting it down. "He told me a few months ago. Not long before you came to me and apologized. Well last week the doctors told him all the surgery he underwent was basically for nothing. His cancer is back and spreading to more parts of his brain." He sucks in a sharp breath and Beckett looks at him briefly before diverting her eyes back down to the table. Castle's lost his appetite the second she said the C word.

"But he's going to be okay, right?"

"His doctor told him he had maybe a year. This is what I wanted to tell you. We're going to Minnesota. There's a doctor there who studies this type of brain cancer and I've emailed him. I sent pictures of my dad's scans. He said he could do another surgery that's low risk and handle treatment afterward. Better than what we're being offered here. And if it works, we're gonna stay."

"Move? You're going to move to Minnesota?" he asks although he knows the answer before she nods her head.

"So this means that our…partnership is going to have to come to an end. I've reached out to the Apple Valley Police department. Haven't heard back yet."

He doesn't know what to say. He wants to protest, say that this isn't fair to him. But what argument could he possibly have? How is he supposed to write his books? Her father is _dying_. The least he can do is be understanding.

He remembers what his mother said this morning. That he needs to be honest with himself about his feelings towards Beckett, and looking at her now, he's doomed. He knows when he's fallen and this is it. She's got him hooked and now she's leaving. He wants to cry. He feels so helpless.

"Beckett, if there's anything I can do, anything at all just say the word."

She smiles. "Thank you, Castle. I might just take you up on that one day." Her phone buzzes on the table. "It's my dad."

"Oh, is something wrong? Does he need an ambulance?"

"No, he's just reminding me of something."

"Something important?" He asks, concern filling him once again when her face drops at her father's message.

"Uhh, kind of. Yeah."

The vague response combined with the look of pure desolation on her face has piqued his curiosity even further. There's more to this story, but he doesn't want to pry. She's going through a hard enough time as it is. He doesn't want to add to her headache.

"Would you like to talk about it? You can talk to me about anything. I'd like to think I'm a pretty good listener."

She sighs again, setting the phone down on the table right as the sun disappears behind a large bank of dark clouds, causing the air to grow cooler. "I, uh. I'm gonna have a baby." She flicks her eyes up to meet his and continues talking before he can interject with his jumbled up thoughts. A baby? Right now? "The day he told me about his cancer, he also said something about having grandkids. So I am in the market for some semen."

"So you're not pregnant right now?" He points to her cup of untouched tea and she shakes her head.

"I'm trying to wean myself off coffee. I know it'll be difficult, but if I've developed an addiction, I shouldn't be drinking it anyway."

The sky roars and crackles, bursts of lightening threatening to come down.

"Beckett, a baby? I understand that you're doing this for your father but what about you? Is this what you want?" He reaches out to take her hand, gives it a tight squeeze before heavy rain starts pouring down on them. He sees everyone immediately start running towards the street trying to get a cab, but not Beckett. She holds his gaze and squeezes his hand back. And just as she's about to speak, their waitress comes running out, yelling after the patrons fleeing the restaurant.

"Wait! No! You still have to pay for that!"

Beckett's phone starts to ring and Castle pulls out his wallet to make sure he has enough to cover their bill. He ends up giving the girl everything in his wallet. Three hundred and twelve dollars for her excellent service; it should be enough to cover the cost of everyone else's bill, too. When she sees how much he's handed her the size of her eyes multiplies. Before she can protest or give the money back, he's running to catch up to Beckett who is still on the phone while trying to catch a cab, her hair soaking wet and her shirt completely see through to her purple bra.

"There's been a murder downtown, are you coming?"

"Yeah, yeah. I guess this will be our last case, then."

The look she gives him stops him in his tracks. She didn't think it would end this soon and he can't help but think that maybe following her around means more to her now too.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading :)**


	3. Oh, Castle, not your finest moment, man

**A big thank you to my beta :) I don't know what I'd do without you. Thank you for putting up with my late night emails, my crappy first drafts, and my awful inability to stay in the same verb tense. You make a better writer and for that I am eternally grateful :)) You also inspired the title of this chapter.**

* * *

Once they're both in the cab and the driver begins the short journey to the precinct to pick up Beckett's car, Castle asks the question that's been on his mind since she spoke _those_ words. She's in the market for some semen? How crazy and maybe a bit improbable is that? How is she just supposed to find some semen? And Castle is a little superstitious about this process anyway. What if the guy whose sperm she chooses already has kids and her child falls in love with his brother or sister? He would never do it. He believes the sperm bank is good cause, but no. He would never, ever do it. Beckett could potentially stick anything inside her. And those people that work there are only human, and technology fails all the time. It's not possible for it to be as healthy or as safe as the doctors try to make it seems. It could come from any sleazy, disgusting man just trying to make a quick buck. Someone with some disease could easily slip through the cracks and since the universe loves drama, she'd be the one to get the infected sperm.

But maybe his writer's mind is getting ahead of him. He just…doesn't trust this situation at all. Mistakes are easily made and sometimes they're intentional. What if her donor promises to be this great person, and he's a fraud? He would just hate for something awful to happen to her or this child that could further Beckett's grief and pain. Her donor would have to be someone who she could trust one hundred percent, who'll have her back, be her partner.

"So. You're looking for semen, huh?" he says pointedly not looking at her.

"That's what I said."

"How are you going to do that?"

"Find someone I trust."

He looks at her sharply, his whole body orienting towards her. "You're not going to go to a sperm bank?"

"What? Of course not, Castle. I'm not stupid."

His relief is evident, the tense knots in his mind easing a little, but he still doesn't think this a good idea. He understands why she feels like she needs to, but a baby is a lifetime commitment. She can't just change her mind if it gets too hard, or…if her father passes. She wouldn't do that, would she? He couldn't imagine her doing that. It's unlike her.

"Beckett, are you sure you wanna do this? A baby is a big step. And I know it's for your father, but a baby will disrupt your life after…" he swallows, unable to speak the words.

"You don't think I know that? I don't make decisions without thinking them through, Castle. Okay? I've thought about it, I've made up my mind. And I don't need you to be the voice of reason in my head. That's what Lanie is for."

"But Kate-"

"I also don't need your permission. The least you could do is support me."

They arrive at the precinct and Beckett is out of the cab before the guy can come to a complete stop. She slams the door and heads for the precinct's garage where her car resides. After paying the cab driver, Castle runs after her. She's already started the car and is waiting for him while it idles. Her expression is serious and annoyed, but can she really blame him for caring about her? He usually is more understanding and supportive and that's probably what she was hoping for from him, but not this time. Alexis is his entire world, but his experience with his ex-wife has taught him a person shouldn't have a baby under circumstances that aren't benefitting for the baby. And if Beckett's mad at him for telling her exactly what she doesn't want to hear, then so be it.

"Beckett, I don't want you to end up resenting your child," he continues once he's settled in her cruiser. "She'll be a painful reminder of your father. He's the reason why you're having her. I hate to say this, but you could waste time just in case…"

"Just in case, what? He doesn't make it? And how do you figure I'll have a girl?"

"You wouldn't have mentioned the pronoun thing if I said 'he' right? And yes, in case your father doesn't beat this. I had a friend in college who died of brain cancer in just a year. And I've seen you with Alexis. What happened to 'I've never been a baby person'?"

"What are you trying to accomplish by telling me all this? This is my only avenue of hope; why are you trying to take it away from me?" She sounds more heartbroken than annoyed now, and Castle hates knowing he's put the look of anguish on her face, that he made her lose the one piece of hope she had. Maybe he should just shut up. She knows what she's doing. This is Kate Beckett he's talking to.

"You must have told me for a reason, Beckett. And I know it wasn't just because of the books. You wanted me to try to talk you out of this."

"It doesn't matter now. I've made up my mind. I'm having a baby. I've already been to the doctor, there's no time like the present."

He sighs, but says nothing further.

"What, you've got nothing else to say?"

"What do you want me to say?" He asks, his frustrations still evident as he looks down at his hands. "You're gonna have a baby to make your father happy. What will make you happy? I'm betting it's not a kid."

"What would make me happy is for my father not to be dying! What would make me happy is if I could stop losing the people I love the most."

Castle can't fight that her wall is too high, too strong. And the look on her face, the desolation in those eyes, makes the words dry up in his throat. Who is he to try to stop her? But damn it, if he's going to be her friend he's going to make sure she's doing this the right way. "Alright, so you're having a baby. You're not going to a sperm bank, so who is going to be your baby's daddy?"

"I haven't quite figured that out yet. But I want him to have good qualities. I get to hand pick what my kid is going to be like, I want to choose right."

"What about my sperm?" he asks, having not fully thought the notion through. He'd regretted it half a second after the words flew out of his mouth, but thinking about it now, he wants to do it. Beckett's eyes are large and skeptical, and she looks as if she's trying to find the best way to let him down. "It works," he adds, inanely.

Better someone she knows, can trust, and who is going to be around in case of an emergency. He won't pry if that's what she wants. He can provide financial support and start a college fund. They can do it. They can raise a kid together, however together she wants that to be.

"Don't you think that's a little weird? Us having a kid together?"

"Not really. It'll be strictly business, right? And I can guarantee that she will be loved for the right reasons."

Beckett slams on the brakes suddenly and pulls the car over. The force rocks him forward into the seat belt, his head hitting the side of the window from the momentum. Rubbing his head, he looks to his left at Beckett finding her eyes closed, her breathing ragged. She's angry. What did he say? Shit, what did he say that?

"I think you should go Castle. Get out of my car. I'll see you tomorrow night, but you need to go."

He sighs, ashamed of himself for causing her such anguish. He's not being a good friend or partner or whatever the hell it is they are. He needs to fix this before she leaves because he needs his inspiration. Without her, he can't write. Working at the precinct is filling him with a strong sense of purpose. For the first time in his life, he's actually doing something that is making a difference; he's protecting Alexis. He doesn't want to give this up, or the woman who takes down the bad guys with him.

Castle waits on the curb as Beckett leaves for the crime scene. He sees her look up in her rearview mirror and watches as he gets smaller in her eyes.

God, even though he's a writer, he hates metaphors.

* * *

He's been doing nothing in particular all day since Beckett sent him home. He tried writing, but kept deleting everything he started. No inspiration equaled no writing. He'd played with Alexis, and even had a dance party with the babysitter; he'd let her stay so she could get some work done for school, but then distracted her with ice cream and music. He'd tried getting caught up with some housework and grocery shopping; they were running low on milk and the like. Castle even picked up his dry cleaning, but it's about a quarter to seven when he snaps. He calls the boys and asks about the case. The victim is a young female singer that was hung upside down in a dark alleyway.

They give him a rundown of everything they know before asking why he isn't working it with them.

"Oh, I wanted to spend the day with Alexis."

"Really?" Esposito asks, his voice high as he considers Castle's response. "Then why is Beckett biting our heads off at everything? What did you do?"

"Nothing."

"Mhmm."

"Really! I can't tell you."

"I thought we were a team, Castle!" He hears Ryan yell from across the room. They must've escaped to the break room.

"We are."

"I thought we were boys, man."

"Guys! I'll be back tomorrow. Talk to Beckett. I gotta go."

"Alright, but don't think we're letting you off the hook. We'll see you tomorrow at Lanie's party."

"It's at my loft, so yeah of course."

Eight o'clock comes sooner than he thought and his babysitter, Cara, takes her pay and heads back home across the hall. Her parents are high powered lawyers who don't pay her an allowance. They thought it best if she worked for her money.

He takes Alexis out of her playpen to wash her up and change her for bed. This would be an easy task if Alexis actually liked taking baths. She screams and kicks the water and grips his shirt so when he tries to pull away she goes with him. He tried singing to her, getting in with her, washing in the sink, giving her toys, but nothing works, she just cries and cries. Meredith had a smooth pregnancy, no problems whatsoever, but he worries something may be wrong with his little girl. His mother is always telling him that every kid is different and just because she may be slow at some things or fusses more than other kids her age, it doesn't mean something is wrong with her; he's just an overly protective parent. Of course, then she proceeds to tell him everything he did that annoyed her when he was younger. He usually ignores her and lets her rant while he daydreams about Nikki and Rook, but sometimes he feels guilty. He can't help but wish he could go back and change how he was. He understands now his mother better now. He loves Alexis more than anyone and he wouldn't trade her for the world, but being a parent now, a lot has come into perspective.

He lets her cry and fight him while he washes her. The faster he can get it done, the better off they'll both be. He hates causing her such anguish, but it's not like he can't _not_ bathe her, right?

"I'm sorry, pumpkin. But you gotta get clean, okay? I'm almost done."

He runs warm water down her curly hair, it seems like it gets longer every day, before grabbing one of her baby towels off the rack next to the sink. She loves being dried off though, she's all giggles then. She's got only her two front bottom teeth and she's adorable, spit falling from her mouth and all.

The front door slams closed, followed by the heeled footsteps of his mother. "You wanna see Grams, huh? I bet you do. I know you love her more than me."

Walking out to the living room, he finds his mother resting on the couch, a glass of red wine in her hand. "Hey, kiddo. Putting the little one down?"

"Yeah, it's almost eight thirty. Something wrong?"

He takes a seat next to his mother with Alexis sitting in his lap, bouncing the baby on his knee. The movement helps her get to sleep.

"How's my girl been?"

"Picky, fussy, and hungry. Mother, seriously is something wrong?"

She sighs, takes a sip of wine. "I ran into an old boyfriend today."

"Oh, that can't have been good. Married?"

"No. He's single. No kids, no nothing basically."

Alexis reaches out for her grandmother, her little hand stretching as far as it can go, but she's not afraid of falling. She'll flop down from his knee to crawl over to her. Martha sets her glass down and takes her granddaughter in her arms.

"So forgive me, but how does that affect you?"

"I'm ungrateful. I take everything I have for granted."

"Oh, mother that's so not true. You love life, and you live it to the fullest every day. That's not being ungrateful for the things and people you have here."

"Nevertheless, I'm going to be more active in your life and my sweet little Alexis' life, too." Martha takes Alexis' hand in her own, lets her curl her entire hand around one of her fingers. "Oh, darling how did your talk with Beckett go? Will Nikki live on?"

Castle sighs, running his fingers through his hair as he stares at his mother with desolate eyes.

"What happened?" she asks, scooting closer to him on the couch, giving him her undivided attention.

"Every bad thing you could possibly imagine." Castle groans as he remembers word for word how the lunch went and how Beckett's eyes filled with betrayal at his words. How could he have been so stupid? Think before you speak, Rick.

"Go on."

Castle tells her about Jim and the baby and how he thinks having a baby under these circumstances is wrong. He's embarrassed and doesn't want to go on, but he knows she needs to hear everything in order to give the best advice she can. Martha listens intently, never interrupting him. When he sighs and says nothing further, she speaks up.

"First off I just want to say that all babies, whether planned, forced, or accidental, are miracles. A baby is a blessing. Now that being said, I appreciate your point of view, but this is Kate Beckett. She would be a lovely mother," Martha explains her finger pointed high in the air.

"I have no doubt about that. It's just the situation, that's all."

"Maybe this is a good thing. It could be a blessing in disguise. This way she won't be alone if her father can't beat this." Martha rests her hand on his knee, trying to give him what comfort she can. "I get that you're protective of her, but you don't want to lose her do you?"

"Of course not."

"Then support her, help her. I have no doubt that she'll find her way."

* * *

When Kate isn't with her father, she usually likes to be home by herself thinking about how the hell her life could've gone from mildly decent to a complete and utter mess. She hasn't been sleeping or eating much. She's constantly on the phone with her doctor, doing research on her father's form of cancer, and consulting with Dr. Highland in Minnesota to fill her time. Other than that, Lanie is either dragging her out so she can get some fresh air, or coming to her place for a girl's day. Sometimes they talk, sometimes they watch movies, but Beckett likes when Lanie just lets her curl up and lay on her. It's the quiet moments where Lanie is just _there_ and not trying to fill the silence that Beckett appreciates the most. She hears enough every day, the quiet is where her mind can shut down and she has no worries.

Her father has been having migraines and tea helps calm him a bit so Beckett has some with him. She's trying to get use to the switch for when she's pregnant. She's trying to get used to the switch for when she's pregnant. She's in the process of making her tea when Lanie comes over. Her friend must've come straight from the morgue, because she's still dressed in her scrubs.

"Hey, how're you?"

"We can skip the formalities, Kate. Tell me how it went with writer-boy. Not good, based on your mood this morning."

"I'm always in a bad mood, Lanie."

"No you're always sad looking and pitiful. You were angry this morning. What did he say? You told him about the pregnancy plans?" Lanie steps out of her shoes and rests gently on Kate's couch, putting her feet up on the coffee table.

"Yeah." Kate answers after a moment and brings her friend a glass of wine. She knocks her socked feet off the table and plops down on the couch next to Lanie, letting out a groan of frustration as she remembers her fight with Castle. "He kind of freaked out."

"Really?" Beckett nods, raising a brow as Lanie continues speaking. "I don't know what to make of this. What did he actually say that made you angry?"

"He said a lot of things, but-basically this is what he told me. He said he should be the donor because this way he knows the kid will be loved for the right reasons. And he kept saying I'll have a girl. Can you believe that?"

"He said, what?" Her voice raising as her irritation spreads to fury. "How could he say that? I'm going to give him a piece of my mind." The woman scoffs, too baffled to even speak. "With all that you're going through, he shouldn't have said that! I can't believe it. What gives him the right? How could he have been so insensitive, knowing that you could potentially lose another parent?" She's rambling, her wine threatening to spill over the rim from all her glass.

"It was, but he was making some solid points Lane. What if I'm not ready for this?"

"You aren't," the woman answers, taking an artless sip of her wine before laying it against her chest as she continues to speak. "But who is? Look at Castle. I feel very sorry for him when Alexis gets to her teens."

"I don't know. I want to give my dad this. He hasn't been happy since mom died. And if this will bring him joy and help him fight this disease, I think it's worth it."

"Then do it, Kate. I have no doubt that you'll be a wonderful mother."

"Thank you," she smiles. Beckett settles back into her couch, closing her eyes. "Now it's just a matter of sperm donor."

"Yeah, you need to get over yourself and go to the sperm bank."

"Eww. Last resort. No." Lanie rolls her eyes, picking her wine glass back up and taking a long drag, forcing Kate to wait until her friend swallows to ask, "What? I think I want it to be fresh, not frozen, you know?"

Lanie scrunches her nose, her eyes thinning at the suggestions. "You want to stick a stranger's warm sperm up your-"

"Maybe not. Someone I know then."

"Ohh," she sings, looking down into the glass to avoid Kate's gaze. "You want to stick an ex-boyfriend's warm sperm up your-"

"Seriously?"

"Ha!" The woman laughs, having too much fun torturing her friend. "At least that way you'd be use to the feeling of him."

"Oh. My. God. Lanie stop talking. You're grossing me out. And not helping."

"Okay, well, who have you asked?" Lanie asks once her laughter dies down and the conversation can get serious again.

Kate tilts her head up and squints her eyes as she answers. "No one?"

"Okay," Lanie starts, setting he glass down on the coaster Beckett left out for her. "What about Castle?"

Beckett's eyebrow shoots up, her lips forming a slight pout. "What about him?"

"Is it so wrong to consider him a donor? I mean think about it. The guy is handsome, rich, and you know he's a good father. It wouldn't hurt to consider him, right?"

"Believe me, I've thought about it. But I wouldn't want to ask him to do this, and then take his child away. What kind of person would I be? That would also be depriving Alexis of a sibling and I couldn't do that to her."

"He offered, Kate. So maybe the both of you could come up with some type of compromise. This whole moving to Minnesota seem far-fetched anyway. I mean, really?"

"It's easier to move there in case the doctor needs to do another surgery and he'll get his medicine sooner. It would take a while for the paperwork to transfer to pharmacies in New York."

Lanie sighs, her head tilting just so to let Kate know she's listening. "Don't rule him out yet. Wait until you find a donor you like, then decide between the two of them. And if you're going to go through your exes, the best option seems like your FBI guy who was here just a little while ago."

"I kept thinking about him," Beckett says turning to face her friend completely and taking the glass of wine of the coffee table to have a sip for herself. "But I don't want him to use that as an excuse to get back together."

"He can sign a confidentiality agreement that'll legally make him stay anonymous. That way your daughter will only ever find out if you tell her."

"Really? I'll have to get a lawyer."

"Or your dad. Can't he help?"

"He doesn't completely approve. He feels guilty for even telling me he wanted grandkids." She sighs, closes her eyes, and rests her head down on her arm.

"Once you're pregnant I'm sure he'll come around. Speaking of coming around, what are you gonna do when you see Castle tomorrow?"

"Hopefully he's changed his mind about his opinions, but if not then I move on."

Lanie takes the glass of wine back from Kate while nodding. "Don't cause a scene at my birthday party. You only turn 25 once."

"Or in your case five times."

"No one else needs to know that," she chuckles.


	4. Oh, Castle, your denial is sweet

**A round of applause for the great betas of the world. :)**

* * *

She's not attending the party, but he's been dressing Alexis up in different dresses all evening, snapping picture after picture of her smiling face, her cheeks bright red from elation, as if she would be. His mother is here, too, adding accessories to his outfits that make Alexis giggle; the long necklaces wrap around her three times and the bracelets, clinking together, no doubt music to the little girl's ears. She kicks her feet as they dangle off the edge of his bed where they're hosting their photoshoot. He started taking the photos with his phone, but switched to an actual camera with a lens and film, because a moment like this deserves to be captured right. He changes her into the pale pink dress Beckett bought for her when they first met. She'd said something along the lines of finding a dress that wouldn't clash with her hair. How she knew that is beyond him, but looking at his little girl now, Beckett had no idea how right she was. When she bought it, it was too big for Alexis; it hung so far down that it looked like she was wearing a curtain. Had she been able to walk at the time, Alexis would've been tripping over the bow. Now the dress fits like a glove without putting Alexis in any discomfort. He loves the champagne tint of the bow, it makes his little girl look grown up. He wants to cry, she's so cute.

"Oh, darling, Beckett is coming to the party tonight, right? I would love for her to see this."

"Yeah, she'll be here, but Alexis is not old enough to party with the big boys yet. It's Cara's night off, but she said she'd watch Alexis until the party was over anyway."

"Oh, what a shame. She did buy this dress didn't she? Gorgeous."

"Maybe I can send her a picture if she isn't too angry with me." He's suddenly reminded of why he's been home all day, the memory of his words hitting his brain like frigid ice water; he's still so ashamed. First he pokes around in her mother's case, trying to bring her closure like she does for other families every day, and now this. If he doesn't set things right he's going to lose her for good and that is what he fears most; losing her and whatever this thing is between them. If he loses his muse, he'll never write again. And no, he's not being hyperbolic.

Martha sets the camera on the tripod in his office, angling it to face the front of his desk, then pulls his chair out. "Richard, help me with this tripod thing I can't get it to come down."

Castle hums his assent, grabbing Alexis as he walks over to tend to the tripod. His mother takes Alexis from his hands and sets her against her hip. "Does it bother you that she isn't crawling yet? She's almost one," she asks, holding her granddaughter on her hip. "You were crawling a little earlier on, if I remember right."

"Doc says it's nothing to worry about. He said some babies never crawl. It depends on her, whether she wants to. And plus, I think she can crawl."

"What? I've never seen her." His mother sets Alexis down in his office chair, her hands go to hold one side of the arm rest to hold herself up. She smiles at him before continuing to kick her feet.

"That's because she doesn't want to be seen. I think she's trying, but doesn't want us to see her fail. I caught her trying I think, it was last month some time. Or maybe even two months now. Don't ask me how she got out of her crib though, because I still can't wrap my mind around finding her on her butt and three feet away from her crib."

Castle gets the tripod loose enough to lower so it aligns with Alexis in his chair. He snaps a couple of her by herself before asking his mother to join in. He loves the two of them together. The light from his office window shines brightly on the both of them, their fiery red hair set ablaze by the camera's flash. Alexis resembles _his_ mother more than her own now that he sees them side by side. They're both giving the same smile and head tilt, both of them glowing from laughter and love. His hearts swells with love and admiration. Who is he to say that Beckett doesn't need this kind of love in her life?

"Richard, darling set the timer and get in here too."

He gives himself ten seconds to get in position on the opposite side of the chair. He kneels lower so Alexis is the bigger focus of the picture. They take about twenty pictures with the three of them and Alexis wearing Beckett's dress; he's prepared to show her all of them if she'll allow it.

His mother snaps just a few with him and Alexis before someone raps flippantly on his door. "Must be Cara," he mumbles, gathering his camera and all of Alexis' dresses while his mother answers the door.

"Don't think I don't know you're keeping secrets from me, Alexis," Castle says once they're alone. "You probably can talk, too." Alexis just stares at her father wide eyed and murmurs, making sweet sounds to strengthen her vocal cords. "I'm watching you." That earns him a laugh; a straight forward _ha_ - _ha_ , and maybe this little game has gone to his head, but she sounded pretty condescending just now. Maybe she really _can_ talk.

Cara walks in a second later, squealing at Alexis in her dress. She asks if she's going to keep it on and Castle shrugs. He doesn't see why not, Alexis seems to like it enough.

"Has she had dinner?" The babysitter continues.

"She wasn't hungry earlier. I gave her some apple slices and she ate half of a half a grilled cheese sandwich." He has to chop food into the tiny pieces for her to eat and sometimes if it's something like apples, even _chew_ it up. And then she doesn't eat it… "If you wanna try giving her something else, I suggest something like potatoes, either mashed or baked really soft. The starch will fill her up quicker."

"Alright, my mom made yams tonight for dinner. Can I mash some of those for her?"

"Yeah. She likes sweet food." Castle kisses his daughter on the cheek as Cara heads out. "Thank you, Cara."

"Have a nice party."

Castle sighs, turning to his mother who is pointing at her watch. It's almost eight. He needs to start getting ready before people start arriving, especially if he wants Lanie surprise birthday gift ready to go in time.

* * *

Castle's got all his actors in place; men of all sizes and colors ready to start the second he says go. Beckett and Lanie arrived about ten minutes ago and he wants to give them the chance to get settled in before he gives his guys the all systems go call to entertain Lanie and he asks to talk to Beckett privately. He wanted to keep the party light and easy- going, so he'd only invited friends of Lanie's and people he knew would have fun. It's the least he can do for Lanie; she has to put up with him just as much as the precinct does and he's never felt unwanted in her presence. _Well…_ except that one time a few weeks ago when he wormed his way back into Beckett's life at the crime scene. She was just as mad at him as Beckett was, but he believes she was silently rooting for him even then.

Pouring himself a small glass of scotch he watches from the corner of the room. Beckett seems comfortable enough. She's wearing denim jeans that are dark enough to look like the ones he's wearing actually, and a loose fitting white dress shirt that's thin enough to see through to her purple tank top. Her hair is up in a messy bun and he has the strongest desire to wrap his hands in it. He wants to know how soft her hair is, he wants to know how it would feel against him.

"Hey, kiddo," his mother says, catching him staring straight at Beckett. "Thought you didn't like _like_ her."

"I didn't- I don't. I don't. I just- I'm trying to figure out a way to apologize."

"Well, then just do it! Can't go wrong with saying I'm sorry and telling her how wrong you were and why you'll support her." Castle shrugs and makes a noncommittal sound that gets drowned out by the music. "Anyway, I'm off. I've got another event to attend to this evening. I should be back tonight though."

Beckett's flirting with some guy he doesn't remember inviting. "Yeah, yeah okay," he says. "Be careful." The guy- who's just a tad taller than him- is being a little too friendly for his tastes, touching Beckett on her arm and going for her free hand. Castle feels a pang in his chest, and he's man enough to admit he's jealous. He's jealous because he wants to be the one to touch her arm, he wants to be the one who has her attention.

He downs his scotch and takes a deep breath before going to save her from the douche. The guy is obviously married. Plus, his pants are way too tight, and what's with the scarf?

"Hey, Beckett. Can I talk to you?"

"Castle, hey. Haven't seen you all night."

"Yeah, I know. Do you mind if we go talk, please, it's important?"

"Castle this is Roger," she announces to make him feel included, no doubt. She doesn't acknowledge his desire to talk in private, however.

 _Roger_.

What. A. Douche.

"He's a criminalistics professor at NYU and he writes contemporary fiction. Unpublished."

"Hey, nice to meet you. Rick Castle."

"Castle is a crime novelist," Beckett continues to explain.

"Published," Castle adds with a smile, faking his charm and not even trying to hide it. He shoots Beckett a look when _Roger_ decides to keep talking, trying to make her understand that what he needs to say cannot wait.

"Really? That's cool man. Got any advice for me?"

"If you ever get writers block, you shouldn't quit your day job." He turns to face Beckett again and _oh_ …she's still angry. He needs to fix this right now before it's too late and he loses one of the most important women in his life. Castle locates one of the guys he has hidden in the party and gives him the signal. Just a moment later the music changes to a fast-paced beat and the dancers all start toward Lanie. They dance in perfect unison, their moves fast and suave. Lanie seems to be enjoying it well enough, so Castle takes the advantage of the distraction and grabs Beckett's hand. "Listen, uh, Robert, was it? Kate and I have to talk, but we'll be right back."

Roger snaps his fingers and winks at Kate, smiling like he's got her hook, line, and sinker.

As he's dragging her away he can hear her mutter something to Roger, then continue to talk under breath. She mumbles something that sounds suspiciously like "jackass," but he's not going to let names deter him from saying what needs to be said, even if this is the wrong time. Is there ever a wrong time for an apology? Maybe when it's too late, he guesses.

"You just got finger-gunned, Beckett."

"I heard it!"

Castle takes her to his office and locks the door behind him.

"What do you want, Castle?" she asks immediately, hands folded over her chest, defending herself against any more pain he could possibly cause her. For a man who writes for a living, he needs to work on finding better ways to explain himself without hurting people in the process. He doesn't know what's wrong with him, or why every time he's near Kate Beckett everything he knows about life and women and relationships flies out the window. She makes him lose his words, he gets tongue tied and nervous. This has never happened to him before. She's constantly flipping his emotions, keeping him on his toes, and he's dizzy, almost as if he's drunk on the sweet wine that is her. How can she inspire him and leave him speechless at the same time?

"Please don't tell me you were thinking of him as a donor."

"So what if I was? I'm keeping my options open."

"Beckett," he starts, unable to find a way to say this gently. "He's married."

"How would you know that? You don't even know him." She goes to run her fingers through her hair, but remembers she put it up for the evening and scoffs instead.

"Because there's a tan line on the finger where his ring should be." Castle knows she'll probably beat herself up about this; she's a detective, but she didn't catch that incriminating piece of evidence. It probably also won't help that he noticed and she didn't. "He's not the donor for you, Beckett."

"Because you care so much. Why'd you call me in here anyway? Do you want to tell me some more about how I won't love my child?"

He sighs, stepping closer to fully see her face. He takes a chance and places his hand in hers. "I want to apologize."

"Why? Because it worked well for you the last time? You think you can do whatever you want, apologize, and then everything will go back to normal?"

She makes him dig a little deeper inside himself to find the words he otherwise wouldn't have found. He will make this right even if it takes all night. Kate Beckett is an extraordinary woman he's blessed to have in his life. And at a time like this, when she could lose her father at any moment, he wants to be here for her in every capacity she'll allow.

"Beckett, no. I'm apologizing because who am I to stand in the way of your chance to love the strongest way possible? The love a child brings you is more than you could feel for a boyfriend or husband. It's unexplainable, and everyone deserves to experience it. And I think loving your daughter will help bring you closer to a fuller heart."

The look of confusion she gives makes him want to keep explaining. Castle speaks softly, not wanting to scare or offend her with his next words.

"It's clear that your mother's murder changed something inside you." She looks away, eyes cast downward as if not looking at him will make the truth of the words disappear. "And having a child, loving another human being could mend your heart. And your mother's murder will hurt that much less."

"And why should I forgive you?" She asks, unbinding her hands from his. "You said some pretty harsh things to me."

He gently places his hands on her shoulders, bringing her in closer to him. "Forgive me because I'm an ass. And because I've never been so wrong in my life. Your kid is going to be the second most loved kid in the world. I think you're going to be a fantastic mother."

"Second?"

"Alexis is the first."

"Ahh," she says, smiling despite herself. Castle pulls her in the rest of the way, holding her tight against his chest while his hand gently moves up and down her back. "Thank you."

"For what?" he asks, his lips grazing the top of her head.

"I'm not sure yet. For the hug I guess."

"Feel free to hug me any time."

"I might just take you up on that."

When he leans back to see her face she's blushing, lips curved up like she's laughing at him. He's never seen anything more beautiful than Kate Beckett smiling at him, only for him. His heart starts beating a thousand times faster in his chest, just waiting to burst with an emotion he dare not name. Castle smiles back, holding her gaze with his own. He's getting lost in her eyes, the basil-like color mesmerizing him. He's trapped under her spell and he'd happily stay there forever if it meant she looked at him like she is now, if he gets to hold her in his arms.

He lifts a hand and cups her cheek, his expression turning serious because he's about to put his heart on the line. "Kate," he whispers. "I-"

"MR. CASTLE!" Someone yells from the party and they both sigh, although from the relieved way she looks now, he's guessing it's for different reasons.

"MR. CASTLE, MR. CASTLE! IT'S ALEXIS!"

That's…Cara. Shit, shit, shit. What about Alexis? What's wrong?

He runs to the door, growling angrily because it's locked, before sprinting out of the room. He finds everyone looking in the same direction-towards his front door. Cara is there, and he sees a big smile across her face before she turns to watch something behind her. In his periphery, he sees Beckett walking up beside him just a moment before she lays a comforting hand on his shoulder. His focus shifts to the warmth of her hand, the fact that she's touching him, but Beckett shakes her head and nods ahead. He jolts, turning again and following her gaze.

And that's when he sees it. Alexis. She's…she's walking.

"Oh my God," he whispers so quietly it's almost imperceptible. His hand covers his mouth as he falls to his knees. She's walking. His little girl is walking!

A surge of pride wells up and he sticks his arms out, beckoning her to come to him. She's giggling as she takes small steps; one of the first milestones in her life and he wants to cry. Tears of joy are brimming, laughter erupting from deep in his throat. This is the most phenomenal thing he's ever seen. His heart is bursting and beating with love and joy and _oh_ … why isn't he recording this?

Castle pats himself down in search for his phone when he remembers that it died. He used up all the battery taking pictures of Alexis earlier.

"Does someone have a camera? Please someone record this for me." Before he even finishes asking he sees Beckett on the ground with him, her smile just as wide as his, with her phone angled at his little girl. Castle tears up at the sight, his gratitude for her having magnified. He's happy that she gets to see this and he hopes she gets to have a moment like this with her daughter.

"She looks so beautiful," he hears Beckett say, her smile a permanent feature now.

"Hey, Alexis. Come here, you're almost there."

When Alexis sees Beckett, she screams, her tiny feet shifting to march in her direction. He almost laughs at Beckett's confused expression, but tells her it's okay. It doesn't matter who Alexis wants to go to, as long as she's walking there.

"Great job, pumpkin. I'm so proud of you."

She reaches Kate's outstretched hand a moment later, smiles and laughter bursting out of her.

"Great job, Alexis. You were fantastic!" Beckett exclaims, wrapping her arm around the baby's little frame and lifting her to her chest. She kisses her lightly on the cheek before passing her to her father, who takes her eagerly; he hugs and kisses her all over. Alexis just laughs, trying to move her face away.

"Thank you, Cara. Thank you so much for getting me." The young girl smiles and nods. He turns his attention to the radiant woman next to him, giving her his best smile. "And thank you, Beckett."

"It was my pleasure. I'll email you the video."

Alexis kicks her feet, squirming in his arms to get down. Lanie comes over then, hands on her hips and a smirk on her face. "Where's the party crasher?" Lanie bends to give Alexis a hug, her shock evident in the way she holds the girl to her chest. "We are all so proud of you baby-girl."

"Castle," Beckett starts when she sees Alexis in Lanie's arms. "Is that my dress?"

"Yeah, I've got tons of pictures. Wanna see?"

* * *

 _ **I just want to say thank you all for joining this journey with me. I'm astounded by the amount of people following this story. Each one of you warms my heart. Thank you so much and I hope you continue to enjoy the story :)**_


	5. It's the Journey, Not the Destination

She's gone.

She's driven down to Minnesota for her father's appointment with the doctor who claims he can do any surgery without complications! Castle offered to pay for both of them to fly first class, but Beckett insisted on driving. She'd said she wanted to spend as much time with her father as she could, and the drive would give them a chance to really talk. Montgomery had happily given her the few days she needed to drive up there for the Monday appointment and back, saying he thought it would be good for her to get out of the city. Castle has the feeling that Beckett hasn't told him about her plans to have a baby or plans to move away yet. She's probably waiting to tell everyone at the same time, which is smart. If the way she looked when she told him is any indication, saying it aloud three more times might kill her.

Without a detective to shadow this week, he's been enjoying his time home with Alexis. Over the past couple of days, they've gone for a walk around their floor and down to the lobby to show off to the doorman. They've made some food she might actually eat. They've even played a game called take every toy out of the toy box and put it back. And now he's sitting in his office with Alexis is in his lap, while she messily eats eating a cherry flavored Popsicle; she must really like the coldness of it because she's grinning around the thing the entire time. He chuckles at the sounds she makes, like she's singing to it.

Castle wonders what he's going to do once Beckett's gone for good. What's going to happen to Nikki? To Rook? These characters have saved his writing career. They fight to know why just as badly as he does; he doesn't want to just let them go. His contract is for three more books, so either way he couldn't let them _go_. But, how is he supposed to write Nikki if his inspiration is gone? How is he supposed to _write_ if his inspiration is gone? How is he supposed to help people and find justice if he isn't working at the precinct? Yeah, the boys are there and he's sure they wouldn't turn him away if he asked to work on cases with them, but it won't be the same.

What Castle has with Beckett when they're working a case is something that can't be replaced. It's a feeling that he's never shared with anyone else. She opened up her world to him and he fell in love with it. He loves finally knowing the why, he loves getting inside the minds of real killers trying to find answers. He has answers now, but taking him out of this world, he'll lose the one thing that has kept him grounded between the craziness of raising a child on his own and his career being on the line. And he couldn't have asked for better inspiration. Beckett is intellectually equal to him and she challenges him in ways other woman can't. Their back and forth stimulates him, almost like a drug he quickly got addicted to. She's witty and clever, thinks quickly on her feet, and is like a shark when under pressure. She's remarkable and no one ever could replace that.

Castle loves the boys, but he doesn't think it'll be the same without Beckett there. She's the soundboard, the umpire, the team leader. And even with someone replacing her that chemistry won't ever be the same. The four of them flow in a way that he's never shared with anyone in his life.

He could give it a try for a few weeks, test out the new detective and see how they'll fit in with the team, but honestly, maybe it's time to try his hand at something new. He's thought about trying a legal thriller. Maybe he could follow a lawyer around for a while, get a taste of the life. Connelly could help, no doubt; the man is known for writing truly enjoyable legal novels. Of course Castle will have to put up with the ribbing and teasing because Connelly will no doubt let his poker buddies know what he's thinking and they'll all have a good laugh about it. Especially Patterson. But, it could be worth it. Working in homicide, he gets to understand the who and the why. Maybe working with a lawyer he'll find purpose getting to see the punishment, learning how everyone who kills goes away. He can help find the evidence that gets them the perfect conviction.

Castle opens his laptop and begins searching for a lawyer close to the city. Female, preferably, if only because women are more likely to let him shadow them. One that is a workaholic like Beckett and fights for justice as hard as Beckett. So a prosecutor, maybe? Defense attorneys just like to undo all the hard work the police do to bring murderers to justice. But does this mean he's going to keep writing Nikki even though Beckett isn't here? Or will he have to start a new character? Possibly, if he decides to do a whole new character than he can work Nikki into that character's life. Like a commanding officer if he doesn't want to completely change the genre. Crime is what he knows best, after all.

Castle finds more names than he feels like sifting through right now. Beckett's not gone for good just yet, and after she leaves, hopefully they can make some kind of arrangement that will allow him to come see her whenever he needs inspiration. And because he's going to miss her, he wants to continue being a part of her life.

Damn.

He really is going to miss her.

"Alexis, you'd never leave me right?"

"Yup!" The girl says, trying out sounds as she sucks on the sweet candy. She's been making all kinds of noises, never any proper words though. "Na, na, na!" She laughs at herself too. He hopes that never changes.

He already can see how much she takes after him and his mother. Dramatic in all ways, stubborn, and loving.

Castle decides to send Beckett more of the photos from the photoshoot he and Alexis had the other day. She only saw the ones with Alexis by herself, but there's one he likes of just the two of them. He thinks Beckett will like it, too.

Alexis starts pushing against him to get down from his lap and, _oh_ _yeah_. She can walk now. He's been holding her all day he almost forgot. His mother had started crying when he told her Alexis is walking now; the look of joy on her face is burned into his brain.

Alexis strolls back into his office a minute later with his phone clutched tight in her hand. She gives it to him before turning back towards his room, probably to hand him his remote or something. She likes getting his things and bringing them to him. By the end of the day it'll look like he's moved into his office. Yesterday it was the living room and he had to make a fort out of the blankets and pillows to stop tripping over them.

She comes back with his wallet, her small feet padding silently across his hardwood floors. He does actually need to get some things for her. More toys, a toilet; he wants to start potty training since she can walk now. "Thanks, pumpkin. Totally going to shop online now."

* * *

Before they hit the road Beckett makes a phone call; the phone call she's been putting off until she absolutely couldn't anymore. It's getting down to the wire. Her father's appointment is on Monday and Beckett wants to inseminate soon after she returns to New York. That way if he gets bad news she can have the baby as soon as possible so he can be there when she's born.

She hasn't seen Will Sorenson since he was discharged from the hospital, but she knows he's still in town. He might still be recovering from his bullet wound. Will was never one for physical activity when they were together, so physical therapy is probably kicking his ass.

She dials.

It rings once. Her palms are sweaty, her stomach bubbling, and her heart thumps hard in her chest. It rings twice. She's twitching now; her throat's getting scratchy, her stomach convulses, and the room is slowly starting to spin. It rings three times.

He answers on the third ring.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't Kate Beckett. What is it, you need my help with another case?" he asks, voice laced with charm and arrogance. Her chest feels lighter at the sound of his voice; it's familiar, it's honest, it's…safe. She has missed him.

"Uh, no, no," she responds after a beat. "I wanted- what're you doing right now?" She places her hand on her forehead, breathless with the thought about what she's about to ask him to do.

"Pushing papers. Kate? Is something wrong? Is it the monkey?"

She can imagine exactly what he's doing. Standing at his desk- his chair pushed away- stapling papers to files, putting said files in the right boxes, and putting the right labels on the right boxes. She'd bought him a paperweight that she has a feeling he still keeps on his work desk. Whenever he gets serious he stands straighter, his head titled just slightly, and his feet wide apart. She smiles a little because it's the same stance he had when she first told him about her mother's murder; he'd caught her crying in her bathroom on the anniversary of her death and when she started explaining, his eyes and his body just screamed grief. It was like someone had taken her mother from him, too.

"No, uh. Could you meet me somewhere? I'm heading out of town soon and I wanted to ask you something before I left."

"Yeah. Our place?"

She smiles, relief flowing through her like air. "That's perfect."

She's only been waiting a few minutes when he gets there. She sees him before he sees her and she takes a moment to question herself. If this works out, she's having a baby with her ex-boyfriend, a man whom she has no intention of getting back together. If it doesn't work out then she's losing an important person in her life.

He gives her a hug when he sees her, his large arms wrapping around her thin frame, holding her securely against his chest. "How're you doing, Kate?"

His voice is gruff as if something is clawing at his throat. He looks exhausted; she has a feeling that he's been overloaded with casework for the FBI, and she really wishes he would take the weekend off. But that's one of the things they had in common when they dated. There was always work to be done and time for sleep later. Will had impacted her life so much when they were together, she can't help but worry about him. Despite Castle's efforts that day to convince her otherwise, she still feels responsible for getting her ex shot. The last thing she wants is for that to happen again because he's overworked and tired. And if that means staying connected from now on, so be it.

"Um, not so good actually. I wanna ask you a favor." She gestures for him to sit down across from her at their table. She'd ordered for him already: a cup of coffee and a shot of tequila and he raises a brow, questioning.

"By the time I finish, you're gonna need one or the other."

* * *

They're almost there. Just another hour or so until she takes her exit into Apple Valley and her father refuses to talk to her. She'd told him about finding a donor and moving to Minnesota if this doctor proves to be worth his salt and …nothing. He just stares out his window in the passenger seat, body flat against the seat and his head leaning against the gasket. Even when they stopped at a motel to recuperate, he wouldn't speak.

But now it's time. She wants something, even if he's yelling at her; yelling is better than this deafening silence he's instilled between them.

"Dad?" She speaks tentatively; she doesn't want to startle him. She has no idea how to approach this. "Will you please say something?"

Silence.

"Why won't you talk to me? I wanted this to be a time where we could talk." Her father still doesn't speak, he just rubs his fingers along his skull. Kate takes a deep breath to calm herself. She doesn't want to give him a headache or be the reason his head is bothering him. "Please. Just please say something."

It takes a minute, and when he speaks, his voice is weak. She imagines how dry his throat must be, his vocal cords rubbing against each other causing pain. No more pain for her father.

"There's a water bottle in the glove compartment. I keep extra," she says when he starts coughing. Kate pulls the car over when they get off the highway to give her father her undivided attention.

"I don't think you should go through with this," he starts, his brow furrowed, his eyes like stone. "When I told you, I had no idea you'd feel like you had to. No, Kate. I don't want this and I think you don't either." His voice cracks at the end and he clears his throat twice to rid himself of the irritation.

"I've put a lot of thought into this."

"And you're sure it's something you want? Your mother and I thought we were ready for you, but we had no idea." His voice calms, his intonation back to normal. Kate's relieved, he hasn't been this upset with her in years.

"It started out for you, but I've been making all these plans, picking out names. And I…kind of want to go through with it."

Jim sighs, folding his hands together, and looks his daughter right in the eyes. "As long as you don't resent me for it."

She reaches over to touch his arm, her expression firm when she says, "I would never resent you. No matter what. I could never."

Jim squeezes her hand. "Okay," he complies, his demeanor finally back to the man she knows.

Kate pulls back onto the road, her father's hand in hers, and continues on to Apple Valley.


	6. The Woman of Castle's Life

**I would just like to point out that the last chapter got me over 200 followers and that has made me one happy writer. Thank you all and I hope you continue to enjoy the story :)**

* * *

Castle's not on his game tonight. Patterson and Connelly are taking each pot and ribbing him about how he's gone soft. He just can't get his mind off Beckett and her plans to Every possible scenario for how this could go wrong is at the forefront of his mind, beating at it like a hammer to a nail. Maybe he shouldn't be losing sleep over this, but he can't help it; Beckett is too important for him not to worry. And when he thinks of Jim, that poor man, he feels nothing but sympathy and frustration at the situation. Not only does the man have a disease that's killing him, but his daughter is trying to have a baby in his honor. He wishes he could write Jim a better story, take away his cancer, and give Beckett the option of having a baby on different terms, better terms. But he can't re-write the story; all he can do is support her. He won't lose her because of his incessant concerns. Needless to say, he's stressing and his fellow writers are noticing. They aren't saying anything to make him feel worse, beyond the normal heckling, but they're noticing.

Castle's not sure when she gets back, but it probably won't be until Wednesday at the earliest. If the appointment went well and Dr. Miracle and can do surgery to remove the tumors in Jim's brain, then Kate is going to move. He wonders if she's already has plans in place for it; if she's already started searching for available apartments by the hospital, or the police station.

Castle's head hurts, his stomach twisting into knots, and he calls the game. The thought of losing Beckett makes him sick, even if he can't admit why. Not even to himself.

"Rick," his good friend Cannell starts. "Just tell her how you feel." The man gives Castle a smile and pat on the back on his way out.

He needs a drink.

He pours himself a glass of scotch - just enough to take the pain away - but before he even manages a sip, Alexis and Cara come charging into the apartment. Alexis is repeating "Dada," her slight lisp making it sound like she's saying "vah-vah," while tears trail down her cheeks. The glass goes forgotten on the counter as he rushes to his daughter, his hands coming up to bracket her waist.

"What happened? Alexis, pumpkin, what's wrong?"

"I'm not sure what happened, Mr. Castle. She was watching the cartoons on TV when all of a sudden she starting crying. I tried everything I could, but then I heard your friends leave…"

"Cara, you sure nothing happened?"

"Yes!" The girl starts to tear up and covers her face with her hands. "I'm sorry."

Castle reaches out to soothe her. "No, no, no. I don't blame you. I completely trust you with Alexis. And you were only in the other room, I just don't understand. She only cries like this when she's been hurt."

"I'm still so sorry Mr. Castle," she sniffs, her cheeks plump, and pink, eyes red.

"It's okay. Stop apologizing. Want some ice cream? Does your mother let you have ice cream?" He puts his hand on Alexis' back as her crying turns to screeching, drool falling from her open mouth.

"No, thank you. I…can I go home?"

"Of course. Thank you for watching her."

Castle turns to his daughter. She's saying his name over and over, tears still streaking down her perfect pink cheeks. "Shh, pumpkin. It's okay. I'm here. What's wrong?"

"Dada!" He pulls her into his arms and her tiny hands cup his cheeks, her eyes wide and searching his. Then she buries her face in his neck as her arms wrap around, him hugging him tightly.

"What's wrong, baby girl?"

He rocks her gently as he walks around the loft, shushing her and rubbing her back. But nothing's working. He tells her he loves her, that he's so proud of her for learning how to walk and for calling him Dad, but she just cries and cries. The headache worsens, but it's nothing compared to the pain in his heart. Sure, she's cried like this when she was first born, and at nights a few months ago, and she's gotten better. She doesn't scream, just sobs, but not since then. She's almost one now.

He fears something may seriously be wrong and thinks about taking her to her pediatrician to get her checked out again. He knows she's not in any pain; he can't find any physical signs of it. She also can't be hungry because she ate right before his poker game began. She can't be tired because she had her nap today. He checks her pull up and she hasn't pooped or wet her pants. So what else is there for him to do but take her to the doctor? Is calling an ambulance is out of the question?

Castle starts to sweat, worry and fear slithering up his spine. Fatigue lingers at the back of his skull, and now _he_ wants to cry. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Alexis." He doesn't know what happened to cause her such pain. This can't be crying for crying's sake. It can't be a cry for attention; she gets attention all the time. He doesn't know what to do. He's lost and his head is spinning, both from the pounding of his skull and from rocking Alexis. His arms are tired, his eyelids getting, heavy, crusty.

She's screeching again, the sound like nails on a chalkboard, making him want to curl his ears up and block the sounds. His neck is wet from her tears, big blobs of salt water raining from her eyes and soaking his shirt. He's never felt so helpless in his life.

Where is his mother?

Searching for his phone, he finds it stuck between the couch cushions. He dials his mother, but it goes straight to voicemail. She never remembers to charge it. Castle's just decided to take Alexis to the hospital when his phones starts ringing in his hand, Beckett's name flashing up at him. He answers immediately, sticking the phone between his head and shoulder so he can keep Alexis at the angle she is laying on his chest.

"Beckett," he says, his fatigue evident in his greeting. "Can I call you back? I have to take Alexis to the doctor."

"Why? Is something wrong? Is that her crying?" He can barely hear her.

"Yeah, she's been at it for the past hour. Every time I try to put her down, she grips me tighter. Kate," he sighs, his voice tinged with exasperation and fear. "I don't know what else to do."

"Well you've checked all the basics I assume? What have you tried to calm her down?"

"I've been holding her, rocking her, shushing her, and nothing seems to be working. What else is there?"

"Put me on speaker, Castle."

He does, relieved to finally pull his head up from his shoulder. "You're on."

When he sets his phone down on the coffee table, the most beautiful sound starts filling the room, soothing his ears, lessening the pounding in against his head. Even his muscles start to relax. Kate's singing. She's singing his daughter a lullaby.

Her voice is so light and sweet. It's as if she's put sound to the love he has in his heart for his daughter. Now Alexis gets to hear how much she's loved instead of feeling it, and he's so honored, so grateful for Kate right now that he's crying. He's crying the most manly, emotional tears he's ever had.

Alexis grows quiet, her little head searching around the room to locate the angel voice singing to her. She looks at him for a long time, studying his mouth to make sure the sound isn't coming from him. He smiles because she looks so much like her grandmother when she concentrates.

When Beckett stops singing, they both wait with bated breath for Alexis' reaction. She starts to cry again, not as loudly as before, but she's clearly still distressed about something.

"Beckett," he says.

"I'm on my way, Castle. Hold on."

"You're back?" he yells so she can hear him over Alexis' crying.

"Got back yesterday. I should be there in a few minutes, okay?"

"Okay. Thank you, Kate."

She hangs up without a word.

* * *

Exactly fifteen minutes later, Beckett is at his front door. Alexis has almost cried herself out; she's down to hiccups and whimpers now, but the tears are still falling one by one down her cheeks.

"Hey," she greets walking into his apartment with a grocery bag hanging from her arm.

"Hey. What's all that?" He shifts Alexis over to his hip to shut the front door.

Beckett shrugs as she sits down on his couch. "Stuff I thought she might like and help her calm down. Sounds like she has a little though."

"It was your voice, Beckett. She loves you. See she's not even fussy anymore." He couldn't even try to hide his awe.

Beckett stands and takes Alexis out of Castle's grip, gesturing for him to sit down because she knows how tired he is from holding onto Alexis.

Alexis does the same thing to Beckett that she did to Castle when Cara brought her home; her arms go around Beckett's neck and she rests her face under her chin.

"Aww," Beckett's coos, smiling.

"I've never seen her like this with anyone other than me. Remember how she clung to you at Lanie's party? I think she loves you."

"I love her too."

Alexis pokes her tongue out for a second, drawing Beckett's attention to her mouth. "Castle? She hasn't started teething yet, has she?"

Eyes going wide, Castle smacks his hands on his face. He hadn't even thought of that. "Uhhh."

Beckett scoffs, moving Alexis to the kitchen. She washes her hands before feeling over Alexis's gums. She barely touches her when Alexis jerks away, crying again from the slightest pressure against her mouth.

"She's teething, Castle. That's why she wouldn't stop crying. The pain won't go away."

"How- how'd you know that?" he asks from behind her in the kitchen.

"I've been reading a lot of baby books. I did get some baby orajel when I went to the pharmacy. It's in the bag. But I wouldn't recommend it for everyday use."

"Beckett, you are my hero, you have no idea. She's going to be so much better." He grabs the bag and searches inside for the numbing gel.

"I'm surprised she hasn't cried herself to sleep."

Castle tries to put a little of the liquid on Alexis' gums but she won't let him, turning her head from side to side and trying to push his hand away. "Come on, pumpkin." He tries holding her jaw, but he's afraid that it'll hurt her further. "It's gonna make it better, sweetie."

"Do you have anything that she likes to gnaw on? Or candy?"

"She likes those frozen pops that I get from the convenience store around the corner," he answers, as it occurs to him why she loves those things so much. "She probably shouldn't swallow this stuff. But she likes the straws from her juice boxes," he responds, already getting one from the fridge. "Want the straw?" He hands it to her to see if she'll take it. She does, her little arms reaching out for it. "I can't believe this didn't occur to me."

Beckett's spreads some of the orajel on the straw before the little one can to chew on it. "You were probably in panic mode, Castle. Sometimes you need a fresh pair of eyes to find what you've missed. But you should probably get some chewing toys for her, it'll help strengthen her jaw." She must see the look of disappointment on his face because she continues her words of encouragement, "This doesn't make you a bad father. You know that, right? You're doing this all by yourself, you just need a little help."

Castle just gives her a tired smile, thanking her again.

Just a few minutes later, Alexis is calm, her cheeks dry, and her little eyes drooping while she sits in Beckett's lap. The loft is quiet for nine o'clock, his mother still hasn't made an appearance yet, and the two of them are sitting next to each other on the couch.

"She's falling asleep," Beckett mouths to him.

Castle snickers sardonically, adding a snort for special effect. "A lot of good that's gonna do."

"What do you mean?"

"She doesn't sleep well."

Beckett looks completely disturbed by this. "Why? Have you taken her-"

"Many times. But her doctor says nothing's wrong. Have you noticed that she's doing everything out of order? Walking before talking and talking before teething? I'm so worried."

"Well that's not so weird. There is no rule that says when a baby should do something. Is she teething later than most babies do? Yeah. But stop comparing her to other kids. She develops however she needs to. But," Beckett continues, a mischievous expression painted across her face. "You're forgetting that she's your daughter."

Castle raises a questioning brow and pouts in Beckett's direction. "Umm, I know that."

"So she's stubborn and a little dramatic."

"I am not dramatic." Scoffing, he sits back against the couch and shakes his head at the woman next to him.

Beckett just raises a brow and makes a humming sound, content to let the argument fall. "You should put her to bed. I think I'll go."

"You don't have to if you don't want. I mean," he pauses and checks his watch, "it's still early. And I want to hear how everything went with your dad."

"Okay, but little one needs to-"

Alexis wakes up then, her eyelids slowly lifting in time with her body. She looks up to Kate, her blue eyes filled with clouds, and then to her father before sliding down from Kate's lap and walking towards Castle's office with a finger in her mouth.

"Where is she going?" Beckett asks, her surprise written all over her face, like she can't believe what she's seeing.

Castle's laughs silently, his face going red from a lack of air, and shoulders bouncing around as he watches Alexis disappear into the next room. "To bed," he answers. He gestures towards his office and they both follow Alexis to Castle's room. She lies down in the bed beside his, her little leg lifting over the bed rail as soon as she hits the mattress, and goes to sleep. He'll make sure to change her into a diaper for the night after Beckett leaves. She's had a hard night and waking her later tonight just seems wrong for him to do.

"She is…very independent."

"That's my girl."

Beckett smirks as she says, "Just wait till she gets to her teens. You're going to need all the luck you can get," She pats him once on the shoulder before heading back out to the living room.

She's just sitting down when he follows her back out. They sit side by side and before it can get awkward Castle asks about her father again, giving her his undivided attention. She's nervous- he can tell. It's in the way her eyes are downcast and the way her hands are balled up together so she doesn't fidget. He reaches out on a whim, taking her hand in his, and squeezing just so.

"I think, honestly, that you're going to be an amazing mother, Kate," he murmurs, his voice tender, eyes absorbing her. "The way you were with Alexis just now, you're a natural."

The sides of her mouth lift, one side higher than the other, making her grin lopsided as she stares right back at him. He hopes Jim gets to see how amazing a mother she'll be. He hopes Jim gets to meet his grandchild, to watch her grow and learn to love and laugh. He hopes so much for this family, for their lives to heal, their wounds to mend. And that Beckett will let him in, let him help.

"Umm, so Dr. Highland checked my dad's scans and ran some tests. He thinks he can remove the tumor-"

"All of it?"

"Majority," she answers, her smile soft with relief. "After that it's basic treatment he's adamant will keep the cancer cells from coming back. He has his surgery in three weeks."

Castle beams; the good news is like a healing balm for his heart. "That's incredible, that's so wonderful. I'm so happy for you and your dad. He gets a fighting chance and that's more than what most people get. I can't imagine how you must feel."

"Hopeful," she exhales meekly, her eyes brimming with relief and happiness and Castle wants nothing more than to tug her close. It seems like they could both do with a hug- her more than him- and he is so willing to give her one, but he's not sure how she'd react or if they are in a good enough place for it yet. "I think having hope is the best feeling in the world."

He wants to touch her, his fingers twitch, just longing to caress, soothe and comfort her. The desire grows quick and strong, but he doesn't want to do anything that could potentially burst this fragile bubble they're in. Even if she did imply she's up for a hug anytime at Lanie's birthday party. "I couldn't agree more."

They sit like this for a while, speaking in soft voices, and offering tired, hope-filled smiles, their eyes full of warm affection as they stare at each other. Time stands still as they sit in each other's company. He notices she's closer than she normally would be, but there's been an unspoken shift in their relationship recently that's made the boundaries she set for them a little murky. He can't tell where the line is so he knows not to cross it.

Beckett looks away, ducking her head briefly, to break the spell before looking at him again. "I should get home. There's still so much packing and planning I need to do."

"You're starting a new life," he says. "I know that isn't done overnight."

"Definitely not. I still have to find a place close to a hospital within my budget."

Leaning into her personal space, Castle says, "Let me help you with that."

"No, Castle. I can find a place on my own."

Shaking his head, he continues. "Not the location. The price. If the ones closer to the hospital are out of your price range, let me pay. It's the least I can do and I want to do something." Beckett's about to decline his offer when he speaks again. "Please. Your dad needs the best."

"At least let me think about it."

He smiles as watches her stand and grab her coat from the back of the couch. "You just let me know and I'll handle everything."

Opening his front door, she hesitates in the door way. Without looking at him, Beckett throws her arms around his neck. "Thank you, Castle," she murmurs softly. The hug is over practically before it begins; he's barely able to get his arms around her, but it's enough to last him a lifetime, enough to make him want to stay in this moment forever.

He's so engrossed in watching Beckett make her way to the stairs, he doesn't notice his mother's approach from the elevator until she clears her throat. Startled, he twists to find her watching him, her brow raised and arms crossed. "What was that?"

"What was what?"

"Don't act like you don't know. I saw that, Richard and it was not nothing."

"Mother, I don't know what you're talking about." He shuts his door as soon as Martha strolls in, aqua gloves folded in the palm of one hand.

"I saw the same look in her eyes that I see in yours. You need to kiss that girl while she's still here."

Castle sighs and runs his hand through his hair, pulling just slightly from frustration. Between his emotions and his mother, he's not sure which is driving him more insane. "Sure. I'll do it next week."

"I'm serious. How do you not see that she shares the same feelings you do?"

"No, she doesn't." Castle knows he's walked directly into a trap as soon as the words are out of his mouth.

"So you're finally admitting you like her then?" Her brows raised and lips pouting.

Running his hands down his face, he puffs out another large breath. "I'm really tired. So I'm going to go to bed. Goodnight, mother."

"Goodnight, darling," she smirks.


	7. The Switch

**The biggest hug to Cathey. You are soooo awesome.**

 **I can say that this chapter is written differently than previous chapters because we're completely inside Castle's mind. And he's drunk. I hope it's funny and entertains you :)**

* * *

It's her big day.

Kate Beckett is going to have a baby.

She has a donor and is being inseminated. Today.

He's not worried at all.

He is not thinking about her one bit.

He is absolutely not thinking about showing up at her doctor's office.

He's having a great time taking all of the mayor's money.

He is not thinking about how he was so close to becoming Kate's donor.

He is also not thinking about how, if she has this baby, he'll never see her again.

He is not thinking about Kate Beckett period. Nope. Nuh-uh. No way.

Kate Beckett is going to have a baby. She's at the doctor's office right now with her donor, about to inseminate so she can have a baby for her father. Then she's going to move away and he'll never see her again or see her beautiful child, and his heart doesn't hurt at the thought of that. Not a bit. He's not thinking about it _at_ _all_.

There could possibly be phone calls and maybe even visits here and there when she moves, but they most likely won't last. She'll be too busy with her child and her father and her new job. He'll be busy with Alexis and figuring out where the Nikki Heat books will go. It'll never be the same and that's something he's going to have to learn to live with.

If he was thinking about that, he'd already be on his way there. Offering his support because he _does_ support her. That's what _friends_ do right? _Support_ one another.

 _Wrong_.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

He does not want to be friends. He has plenty of "friends." He wants to be more. So, so much more. And he thinks she may feel the same. Or at least that's the notion his mother got in his head.

 _"_ _It's in her eyes, Richard."_ Or whatever nonsense she'd said. Whatever the case, Kate Beckett is a woman who believes in going after what she wants. If he was what she wanted, they'd be together by now. He'd probably be the donor she'd chosen, and hell, they might even be trying to make a baby the old fashioned way.

But alas, life is not that kind. And since he's a good boy, he won't ruin this for her by letting his emotions get the better of him. The last thing he wants to do is cause trouble. He's just having a drink (or five) to settle his nerves and get him through the first heavy part of this storm. The next will be when she leaves and…he doesn't even want to think about it.

Another glass of whiskey goes down the pipe and he laughs as he pulls all the chips from the pot to his pile, kissing them each for promising more money.

"All right Rick, we get it," Judge Markaway grumbles as he pulls out his wallet. "You take credit?"

"Do you always have to win?" Captain Montgomery asks, tossing his cards on the table. The man has been watching him all night, and looked away whenever Castle caught him. He isn't sure why, but if he had to take a wild guess it could have something to do with… _hmmm_ , he doesn't know…Beckett? Probably. The Captain hasn't mentioned her at all which is strange for him. He's always going on and on about his star detective so losing her is a big deal for him.

"It would go against the laws of nature if I didn't."

His phone buzzes next to him; a message from Lanie flashes at him and he chooses to ignore it, knowing it'll make him jealous that she gets to be with Kate and he can't. Dimming his screen, he gets back to counting his chips to collect the money he's owed.

"Same time next week, guys?" His Gotham City Crew doesn't seem too eager to play with him again. Maybe he'll let the mayor win next time, give 'em a boost of self-confidence. With all the poker he's been playing lately, he's been winning a lot of money. He's surprised his buddies haven't quit on him yet.

With everything going on with Beckett she'd told him it was best if he stayed home while she figured everything out. The boys were handling most of the grunt work for whatever bodies she caught. He's allowed back soon though. After the insemination things are going to calm down while she waits for the results of her pregnancy test. It's been so…dry that he's forgotten what he spent his time doing before the precinct.

His phone buzzes again while he's saying his goodbyes. He steadfastly ignores it, instead cleaning up the poker table. He's determined not to be sucked in by Lanie and her teasing. He gets another drink, doesn't think about Beckett while he throws it back.

He should get some writing done. Gina has been on his ass for an outline of the second Nikki Heat book for weeks. He's started it, but he's not sure the character is developed enough for a full outline. He wants to say something new, something different. She isn't the same woman, detective, or girlfriend (ish) that she was in the first book. Nikki needs more depth now that there's a second book and Castle's not sure he knows enough about her character to make stuff up or take guesses because Castle's not sure he has her completely figured out.

After another quick sip of whiskey, he checks his messages. The first is a picture with the caption, "you should be here."

It's Kate sitting in- what he assumes is- the waiting room with her legs crossed. She's facing the camera, giving Lanie a shy, nervous smile.

The next message says that Beckett could use his support, and that he needs to get his ass there now.

He is in no condition to go to a doctor's office.

Beckett may really need him though. She's been very accepting to their new relationship boundaries and could very well need some wise words from the word master. Okay, okay, for Beckett he'll go.

Across the hall, Cara has Alexis and he calls over and asks her to watch his daughter for another hour or so while he goes to see a friend.

Grabbing his phone and keys, he heads out to support Beckett like the good friend he is.

* * *

Castle finally makes it to the address Lanie texted him, but the nurses won't let him back to Beckett's room so he can support her. He tries to explain that he's here because that's what friends do and he's determined to be the best friend she's ever had, but they won't budge.

Instead, he sits in the waiting area, tapping is finger on the arm rest incessantly, ignoring the other women that are in the room with him. The secretary manning the front desk is a no nonsense kind of secretary, but nonetheless he tries to charm her into letting him back in Beckett's room one more time.

"No one is allowed back there in the examination room, Mr. Castle."

How did Lanie get back there then? Did she say she was her doctor? That's what he would've done.

Since he can't do that, he waits. Castle plants his butt in the dirty blue chair in the waiting room, with the too-bright lights, and the vending machine that takes your money but doesn't give you your snack. He waits and waits.

He flips through the magazines that are on the table next to him, the ones Ryan is always saying he's read. His head is fogging; he can't remember why he came. The only thing he knows is that he wants to see Kate.

Oh, Kate.

The head nurse steps away and he subtly slides down in his chair until he reaches the ground. Castle crawls until he can get past the desk and duck into the next room where he rests his forehead against the door.

"What the hell are you doing in here?" A man yells from behind him.

He turns to see… wait. Huh?

Will Sorenson is standing in the room with him, eyes burning a hole through his head. "H-hey, Sorenson. Funny meeting you here."

"Yeah, funny that."

"What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing, Castle. Last time I checked you needed permission to be back here." Will takes a step toward Castle, using interrogation techniques against him in an attempt to make him nervous.

He smirks, getting to his feet and taking a step toward him too, but making sure his step is wider. "Well, rules are meant to be broken," he smirks.

"I arrest the idiots who think that," Sorenson says, hands shoved in each pocket. "Are you drunk, Castle?" he asks, brow raised and face pinched.

"I may be slightly inebriated. That doesn't explain what you're doing here, though."

"Why do you think?" he takes a seat on the chair in the corner, takes his time getting comfortable before answering Castle's question. "I'm the donor," he says so nonchalantly that Castle wants to punch him in the face. When Kate Beckett asks you to do something for her, anything to this scale or smaller, it's an honor and privilege. Not something you just shrug about as if it's not a big deal.

"Oh, makes sense. She did tell me she wanted someone who wasn't gonna be around."

"Don't be jealous, Castle. I told you before, I hooked her. And now every time she needs something, guess who's going to be the one she calls?"

"I was the first person she told about this, Sorenson. And whether you like it or not," he says, entering the man's personal space. "I actually get to be there for the kid. You…have to move around. You make an unreliable parent and that's exactly what Beckett wanted."

Castle can tell Sorenson doesn't know what else to say, he's afraid he'll say something that'll make him look stupid so he goes easy on him. Just says his congratulations, smirks and heads out knowing he hit a sore spot.

Why did she have to choose Will of all people?

He wants another drink, but he has to pee so that's probably not a good idea. He didn't even bring any with him just in case because the last thing he needs is Beckett noticing he's a few sheets to the wind and kicking him out.

Finding Kate Beckett proves to be super easy when he sees Lanie leaving her room. Waiting a moment before going in, he smooths his hair down, trying to make it look less like he's been running his fingers through it and more like he's a civilized human being. Tucking in his shirt and fixing his collar, Castle taps on the door before sticking his head into her room with his eyes closed.

"Hey, Beckett," he greets with a Godfather accent.

"Castle!" Beckett exclaims her eyes lighting up when he steps in the room, surprised to even see him here. "What're you doing here?"

"A little birdie told me that you were here. I thought I could lend some support. You know, 'cause we're frrriendsss."

Beckett cheeks flood red and she covers her smile with her hand. "Castle, you can open your eyes."

Castle had expected to see her in regular clothes, but when he opens his eyes Beckett is sitting on an examination table in a hospital gown.

"Only you can make that outfit sexy."

She blushes, ducking her head down and crossing her arms over her chest. Biting her lip, she glances up at him from under her lashes. "Are you drunk, Castle?"

"What? Why does everyone keep asking me that?"

"Everyone?"

"Oh, yeah! Ran into your…donor." Beckett finds his eyes, nodding once slowly and unfolding her arms. "Were you going to tell me?"

"If you asked."

Giving a soft hum, he begins pacing around the around. Messing with the doctor's chair before stumbling across medical devices on the counter.

"What the hell is that?" When he faces Beckett again her head is down, hands on her stomach. And he sobers up a little, reminded of why she's here. He can only imagine how nervous she is, how scared. She's been so adamant about doing this that now that it's here, her thoughts must be running rapid "How are you doing?" he asks, turning away from the device sitting on the counter.

Tilting her head, she shrugs. "I'm fine."

"You don't seem fine."

"It's nothing."

"Nah uh, nope. Not nothing. Nothing is a very good friend of mine and this is not nothing."

She puffs out a breath as she rolls her eyes. "Maybe I'm nervous."

Castle places a gentle hand on Beckett's shoulder and leans down to get close to her face. "It's okay to be nervous." After a moment he continues speaking, his hand rubbing soothing circles on her back. "In fact it's good. It shows you care about your child and your health. And that makes you a better mother. You don't have to worry about anything. Your child is in great hands."

"I'm not a mom yet."

"But you will be. Soon. And I have no doubt that you'll never be anything less than extraordinary."

Turning away from his pining gaze, Beckett whispers a "Thank you," smiling bashfully.

"Of-of course. That's…what friends are…for." His heart _cannot_ handle her smiles. He wishes this moment would last forever because when she's looking at him with such gratitude and oh gosh, something he's probably imagining, he wants nothing more than to tug her close, wrap his arms around her, and connect their smiles together.

"You should probably go," Beckett suggests after a long moment, gesturing towards the door. "The doctor will be back soon and I don't want you in any trouble."

"How come Lanie gets to be in here?" he whines, his brow furrowed, lips settling into a deep pout.

"Lanie snuck in here too and I'm also kicking her out. Thanks for coming, though," she smirks. "I really appreciate it."

Opening the door Castle looks back at the woman on the table and gives her a small smile. He steps out a second later, but when he does, he leaves his heart behind.

* * *

On the other side of the wing he sees Sorenson talking to the doctors through the window where they usually tell you to drop off your urine sample. He gives him the stink eye, but says nothing as they walk past each other.

He's so angry at just seeing his face that his bladder starts to protest, reminding him that he's been holding it long enough. Castle ducks inside the bathroom that says "Patients Only: Men's," and locks the door. This one is closer and if he doesn't go soon, his bladder will explode.

In the bathroom, his mind circles back to Sorenson being the donor. Why did Beckett choose Will? He honestly wants to know, because if it was a decision based on looks then, wow Beckett, really? He makes such a better candidate. He's way more reliable: his job can be done from anywhere, he's great with kids, he can financially support the child, and he actually has feelings. Something Sorenson isn't capable of even understanding. Why, why, why _him_?

Unzipping his pants and leaning his head against the wall, Castle angles himself to shoot straight in the toilet; it's a skill he's secretly proud of, especially in his current state.

The relief he feels in his abdomen cannot be described. The pressure is gone, and he almost feels like himself again.

The water in the sink takes a while to heat up, so as he lets the water run, he looks around, finding a medium sized container sitting inconspicuously on the counter. Castle picks it up, twisting it around until he can make out the writing on the label. Squinting, he sees Sorenson's name written in thick, black, choppy letters.

Castle just doesn't think Sorenson was a good person to choose to be the donor. Why would anyone want a mini him running around? But he has to leave it alone, right? What's done is done. Beckett made her decision and he won't go crawling back to the examination room begging her to choose someone more capabilities. Himself. He respects her decision, he doesn't agree, but he respects her choice. But come on, the guy didn't even screw the cap on correctly!

Why would he leave his, ahem, _stuff_ in here? Is there anything even in it?

Opening the cap the rest of the way, he looks inside.

Eww. Bad decision. The snot-like substance moves around loosely, too easily, and Castle wonders if Sorenson added water to it to make it seem like he produced more than he really had. Like maybe he didn't have enough to get Beckett pregnant. That thought alone makes him so angry, his blood starts pumping a little faster.

Slamming the sample down, Castle misses the ledge of the counter by half an inch, and the open container goes pouring into the sink.

"Shit!" He scrambles for the cup, burning his fingers under a spray of scalding water, only to find the water-to-sperm ratio not in the balance he needs: water five, sperm zero.

He doesn't even have to time to dwell on how screwed he is, because seconds later, someone's knocking on the door. "Hello? Is someone in there?"

Sorenson.

"Just a minute!" he yells back, raising his voice to sound like a woman's, realizing how stupid it is a second later.

Is this really happening?

What the hell is he going to do?

Beckett's going to hate him. He'll _really_ never see her again unless he can somehow find a way to turn back time. And he needs to do it in the next twenty seconds.

Sitting slumped against the door with the empty container in his hand, Castle bows his head. He's prepared to say a prayer and admit his defeat when an idea strikes him. It's stupid, it's bad, but it's all he has. They're expecting a sample.

Undoing his pants, he takes deep breaths to calm himself; Castle's determined to fill the container again.

* * *

He can't breathe.

No, literally. Air is not flowing through his lungs anymore.

Popping his eyes open, he finds Alexis standing over him with her hand clamped around his nose. She smiles like she has a secret to share with him.

Taking a deep breath through his mouth, he says good morning to his daughter. He removes her hand from his nose, realizing then that he's on the living room floor. It takes a moment for the disorientation to disappear and the pounding headache to surface. It hits him all at once, like someone filled a sock with coal and went to town on his head. His body isn't fairing much better; his muscles are sore, aching at the joints. It's hard to move, but Castle manages to sit up at least, only to have the light beaming in from the window end up directly in his eyes, blinding him momentarily.

Alexis gives him a slobbery kiss on his cheek and runs in circles around him. He smells apples faintly and the smell makes his stomach boils as if he's eaten the fruit rotten. This is, by far, the worst hangover he's ever experienced. The room is spinning, he's unable to focus on anything particular, they just float about the room. Closing his eyes, he swallows to avoid puking, but the having Alexis run around him doesn't help his condition any.

Turning, he sees his mother is standing in the kitchen mixing up a bowl of what he assumes is hot cereal for Alexis. But the expression she's wearing is one of anger, disappointment.

What the hell happened last night?

"Morning, Richard."

Castle stands, groaning the entire way. "Come on, pumpkin." Taking a breath to steady himself, he bends to pick up his little girl, bringing her over to the window to close the blinds and block the sun. Continuing to the kitchen where breakfast awaits Castle says, "Good morning, mother."

With Alexis in his arms, he feels heavier and has to watch his feet with every step he takes. It's almost like he's on a boat, rocking back and forth, his weight being tossed around effortlessly.

"I thought you said you'd never get like this again, now that Alexis is yours."

"I know, I know. I can't even remember anything. And my head is throb-"

Martha sets a cup of coffee down in front of him, the steam beckoning him. She's made it with extra cream and no sugar, perfect for his headache. "Thank you," he sighs, extra grateful for his mother. When he lifts arm to bring the rim of the mug to his mouth, he begins to smell all the dirty, dried sweat sticking to his skin. It's vile, like he went diving in dumpsters and wanted to bring home leftovers.

Oh, the thought of a shower, a long, hot shower, is too enticing to pass up. The heat, hopefully will steam the last of the alcohol out of his system.

"You know, darling, I just want make sure that this was just a slip up. You haven't indulged like this since before Beckett. You came home last night spouting crazy nonsense."

"I remember the poker game. I was drinking at the poker game and I went…somewhere. I think I saw Beckett. We might be… yeah, I really can't remember anything."

Martha takes Alexis and sits her in the high chair – they'll have to get her a new one, she's getting way too big for that one - letting her spoon feed herself.

"You're lucky I was home, kiddo," his mother continues, flapping a hand at him while she pours herself a cup of coffee too. "Cara can only watch the girl until nine, you know that. And yesterday was payday."

Castle rubs his forehead. He's disappointed in himself. "I'll talk to her."

"You want an aspirin?" Shaking his head, he takes a cautious sip of the scalding coffee. He still burns his tongue, but it takes the pressure off his head slightly. "What about last night? Anything coming back?"

"No. I haven't been like this since college. The last thing I remember clearly is the poker game."

"That explains what you were talking about when you came home then."

"What was it?"

"Something about a trade. You kept saying something about a trade. I wasn't listening, really. I was trying to get you to bed, but you were too heavy so I left you."

"Thanks, mother."

"Anytime, darling." She winks at him over the rim of her mug.

Even talking is feat and he doesn't want to put too much thought into the things his mother says.

"I'm gonna go shower." He sets his mug down on the counter before kissing Alexis on the cheek as he walks past, the thought of a shower too invigorating to pass up. Let hope he doesn't puke in there though, because he might not have the energy to clean it up.


	8. something's got him holding on

**Sorry for the wait on this! Writers block hit me hard. But thanks to Cathey I got this ready in time for Fanfic Monday.**

 **I would also like to thank you guys for your support on this story. I am blown away by the response. I've never had so many reviews on a story before so thank you. And I would like to announced that with this chapter we have made half way through the ficathon. Only 25,000 more words to go! :))))**

* * *

It's great to be back in the precinct, immersed back in the world where good always wins, and the coffee is always brewed. The boys are going through their victim's financial records and Beckett is finishing the paperwork for her recent investigations. But they'd solved their last case with Castle's help, or rather, Castle's stroke of genius when Beckett let him back at the precinct.

It felt amazing to put another killer away. The job is gruesome, but he understands why they do it. Why Beckett does it, Ryan and Esposito too. The gratitude that fills him when they solve a case is so invigorating that none of them could ever give it up. Yeah, it's a hard, dirty job that he sometimes gets nightmares from, but when the good guys win, it's one of the best feelings in the world.

It's the same feeling with Beckett; with her he's found something to keep him grounded and grateful for the life he's been given, for the time to spend with his daughter.

He's sitting in his chair while Beckett types away on her keyboard, eyes glued to her computer screen, her fingers flying fast over the keys in attempt to make her deadline. She wants to be finished all her paperwork by the end of this week. He assumes it's because she's packing up her house and her father's place, so going back and forth between the precinct and the houses won't be easy. The Apple Valley Police Department probably wants to have some kind of orientation with her, too; introduce her to their department and show her how they run things there in Minnesota.

He would offer to help, knowing how important this is, but the longer she takes to do the paperwork, the longer she'll stay at the precinct. The longer he'll get to see her, but even if he won't help with her paperwork, that doesn't mean he can't stay and offer a joke or two, keep her company.

"Want some coffee?" Castle asks. A second after the words come out, he takes them back, "Oh, wait, you're trying to-"

"Wean myself off coffee? Yep." Beckett stops typing, fingers poised over the keys like she's lost the words. He's all too familiar with that feeling.

"But that's not why you don't want coffee?" he speaks, his voice raising at the end to prompt Beckett to confirm or refute the claim. He waits her out, needing her to speak up.

She shakes her head and turns her entire body to face him. She sighs, biting her tongue to buy some time before she speaks again, and he's briefly distracted by her tongue. The little pink, plump thing comes out to wet her lips before her teeth bite down into it. He finds his tongue peeking out the same way hers does, as if he can taste her-

Whoa, dude.

"I'm pregnant."

Castle's breath catches somewhere between his lungs and throat, stopping his heart's steady rhythm to skip beats and slam against his rib cage. He knew this was coming, he knew and yet hearing those words tumble from her lips still shocks him, still sends his mind into a fit of worry. He grips the arm rest of the chair just a little tighter. She's going to have a kid and she's leaving. But as much bittersweet as it is he's also genuinely happy for her. If a child will bring her happiness because it makes her father happy, then he will support her no matter what. In a way, he's going to be an uncle.

"That's- that's amazing. Congratulations, Beckett! I'm so happy for you." The smile he gives her is real and she must be able to tell because she beams, her whole body lights up with joy. She looks beautiful, smiling like this. Damn, he's going to miss her. Badly.

"Thanks, Castle." She swallows with unease, clearing her throat of the lump that's swelled, but keeps her eyes on him.

"Did you tell Will?" He tries not to say the other man's name with venom, but it comes out bitingly anyway.

"Yes," she responds, giving a firm nod while turning back to her computer screen. "He called yesterday to hear the results of the test."

"It's only been about two weeks though. You can find out that quickly?"

She smirks while tucking her hair behind her ear, fights to roll her eyes. "Yeah, exactly two weeks. Plus, I've been taking home tests almost every day since the procedure."

"Eager, huh?" he teases, nodding his head with a smirk.

"Yes," she answers, placing a hand gently on her stomach. "And now that I know she's there, I-" she freezes, her eyes traveling cautiously to his.

"She, huh? You do want a girl. Good to know." Castle sits straighter in his chair. He does his fantastical eyebrow dance for her and grins, watching as her cheeks start to darken.

"Oh shut up. You and Lanie got that in my head."

"Ahh, so Lanie's rooting for a girl too?"

"Ryan and I got money on a boy," Esposito interrupts from across the room. "Come on, look at her. A boy just feels right."

"Yeah, Beckett. A boy seems…fitting. But I'll be happy with whatever, as long as you come back and we get to meet the kid. Can't have 'em all to yourself."

"Right, we're family too."

"Alright, guys. Back to work." Beckett shoos them off to their desks.

"Nope. Not until you promise," Espo demands, his face showing no signs that he's joking.

"Of course I promise." Esposito nods, heads back to his desk with a smile. Beckett watches him retreat until he's far enough away to be out of ear shot.

She glances back at Castle and he holds her gaze, not wanting to let go.

He can see in her eyes how excited she is about this, how the next part of her life is unfolding so quickly. Motherhood is never something he imagined she would be happy about, but seeing her so eager to move forward, he wants to be able to help her over this last hurtle. So if that means filling out a couple of forms, then so be it. What are partners for?

"Here, pass me a file." He's going to help her with this damn paperwork. Because as much as he hates to see her go, he still doesn't want her to burn out shuffling papers when there is still so much to do.

She gasps, jaw dropping in mock surprise, but hands him a file and a pen. "Thanks, Castle."

"Don't get used to it," he laughs.

Two weeks later, she leaves for Minnesota to start a new life for her family. She calls to let everyone know she and her father are settling in okay, but that's all they hear from her for a while. Life hasn't been the same since.

* * *

 **A Few Weeks Later**

Castle hates not seeing Beckett every day, hates not knowing how she's doing, if she's taking care of herself the way she should. Alexis misses her; from the way her eyes light up every time the front door opens or she hears a female voice, it becomes too clear to miss. Longing coils a million times around his heart; missing Kate Beckett has him wishing he could call every day, help her out if maybe the hormones are getting her emotions all bunched up. If they are, she could possibly be having second thoughts about the baby as Meredith did during this time of her pregnancy. Maybe, wondering if it's a good idea, and he wishes he could remind her that she's remarkable and extraordinary, and that what's she's doing for her father is honorable. But if she wanted to hear from him, surely she would've called by now?

On top of missing her, Beckett leaving has made him think harder about his own life, his own daughter, and the people in their lives. He thinks Alexis needs someone who is going to be around all the time, at the very least. His mother is there, of course, but Alexis is looking for the kind of connection a child has with their own parent. He wonders if she'd found what she was looking for in Beckett. He thinks he did too. Everything's he's ever wanted was in those gorgeous green eyes. As much as he tries to play both roles, mother and father, eventually Alexis is going to realize what kind of parent Meredith is and it will break her tiny, fragile heart. He hopes that day never comes, futile though that may be.

Deep thoughts aside, today is Alexis' first birthday and he's having too much fun with all the little kids at the party. He snaps a ton of pictures of her with cake all over her face and her bright yellow tutu bunch up in the front, relishing in how cute she looks. Fear shoots up his spine as he contemplates sending them to Beckett. Sharing this moment with her is something he, admittedly, had been looking forward to, hoping it would bring them closer together. But given her silence, he's not sure she wants him to contact her, especially after these few weeks. After hesitating over the send button for a few moments, he finally decides to swallow his irrational fear. What exactly is he afraid of anyway? Pushing the button, he adds a caption that says, _"This will be yours soon."_

She replies almost instantly.

 _Can't wait :)_

His heart stutters. He wants to say more, so much more, but decides to leave it at that. Today is his daughter's day and he wants to make it as special as he can.

Alexis is adorable. Her bottom teeth show when she smiles and she can eat more solid food now. She's taken to mac and cheese and fudgy brownies with little bites of cookies in them. They had a blast making some this morning before her grandmother left to run some last minute errands. Castle thinks she had more fun playing in the batter rather than eating the finished product, though.

His little girl plays well with the kids, but he quickly gets tired of running around after them. Never ever play horse with small kids; they will never let you stand up again.

It's then that Castle begins to wonder how Beckett is going to juggle a kid, a full time job, and taking care of her father at the same time. He could hire a babysitter for her, maybe even a nurse if Jim gets too sick. Someone who can live with them or even stay in the same building and can treat Jim if Beckett is too tied up. He's already helped with finding a place, why not ask her to let him help some more?

Before he has time to really sink his teeth into a decision, a kid has attached herself to his leg and won't let go until he promises to play pony with her. His saving grace comes when someone knocks on the door. Only, he isn't prepared for who's behind his rescue.

Meredith stands on the other side with a small cake that reads, "Happy Birthday Little Angel," and a smile as wide as the one she had when he caught her sitting on top of her director. In their bed, he should add. On the king size mattress he'd just bought them when they moved into the loft together. They hadn't even had sex in it yet.

He cannot possibly still be bitter about that.

Looking at the redhead now, with her large smile and big blue eyes, he is so still bitter about it.

"What're you doing here?" he asks, dumbfounded.

"Do you really think I would miss our daughter's first birthday? Where is she?"

"Uh, yeah I did. You walked away from her, remember?"

"Why didn't you call me? I would've come sooner if I knew you were throwing a party!" Pushing past him and heading straight for the birthday girl, Meredith's shrill of excitement is louder than every kid combined.

His mother gives him a 'what the hell?' look from across the room, but neither of them say anything when Meredith makes her way to Alexis. Castle decides to let it be while the party is going on, determined not to let his ex-wife ruin the day.

Later on, when the party is over, he wakes at close to midnight and finds Alexis curled up against his side with a Dr. Seuss book bunched up under his neck. He must've fallen asleep reading to her. Meredith is upstairs in the guest room.

Closing the book and tossing it to the other side of his bed, he gently scoops his daughter up in his arms and tucks her into the middle of the mattress. She likes sleeping in his bed more than her own, but he's always nervous about her peeing in it. On more than one occasion, he has had to change his sheets at three am because of her pull-up being over-full. Castle checks it, just to make sure she isn't already wet before pulling the blanket up over her.

Not fun times.

Sliding out of the bed, he retrieves his laptop from his office, and eases back under the blankets without startling Alexis.

He's about halfway through his next Nikki Heat novel, but he's also been doing a lot of research on lawyers and what it takes to become district attorney. Nikki could possibly be in the wrong line of work, or find herself in some trouble for which she'd need some legal help. Hence the new character, the new storyline.

It seems too easy and he doesn't like it. It feels wrong and tastes bitter in his mouth when he says he's slowly writing Nikki out. Or away. Pushing her to the back. Going out of focus.

No. No matter how it's phrased, it's wrong. He has to find a way back to her. Both Nikki and Kate.

Someone raps lightly on his bedroom door, interrupting his train of thought.

Meredith pokes her head inside, her long red hair tied up in a floppy bun on the top of her head. "Hey. Thought you might still be awake."

"I was just about to hit the hay, actually," he lies, closing his laptop as if to prove his point.

"Mind if I sleep in here, you know it gets drafty upstairs." She goes to slide in bed next to Castle, but he stops her before she accidently hurts Alexis.

"You let her sleep in your bed?" she asks, immediately lowering her voice. Combing her fingers through Alexis' hair, his little girl seems more at peace.

"Sometimes."

"She looks like angel while she sleeps." Meredith observes, completely in awe.

"She is one."

Neither speak for a minute, content just to watch their creation as she lays flat on her belly, and her eyes move from chasing dreams.

"Rick, I'm sorry I-"

"It's okay. You don't have to explain." He sets his laptop on the table next to him. "I know you're a busy woman. And that you're not going to be here for every moment of our daughter's life."

"But I should be. You didn't even call to let me know she was walking."

"Do you want me to be sorry about that? Because you gave up all your rights, Meredith. Legally, I don't have to, and you didn't ask for updates."

"I know, I know." Her lips form a small pucker as she whines. Making her way to him, she reaches out her hands to cup his face. "But I'm here now. This is a milestone. I love our daughter, Rick. And despite what you might think, I love you too." Castle bites back a groan.

"Custody is just a legal term. We both know she is better off with you because I'm not the best of mothers. I know that, but I'm here when it counts."

Sighing, he runs his fingers through his hair, drawing his ex-wife's eyes higher. "Besides," she continued, her hands replacing his. "I thought you'd be happy to see me."

"After you served me with divorce papers?"

"Since this is the longest we've gone without each other since we started dating."

"Hmm."

She stares at him pensively, like she's trying to remember every detail of his face. Leaning in slowly, she pecks him once on the lips. Castle closes his eyes and braces his hands on either side of her waist wanting to push her away, but not having the strength to. Kissing him again, she lingers now, moves her mouth gently over his.

"Our daughter is in this bed." With his eyes closed he silently scolds himself for giving in to his ex-wife, but it seems he's still powerless to her charms. She still has a hold on him, and he's not entirely sure how he feels about it.

"I know that, Richard. I wasn't gonna try anything," she chuckles, the sarcasm dripping from each word. "It was just a goodnight kiss."

"Well goodnight," he says, impassive, as she tucks herself into the other side of the bed. She faces Alexis, her hand rubbing soothing circles on the girls back.

He is _so_ screwed.


End file.
